My jumbled thoughts

I'm feeling better but a bit jumbled lately. I have a lot in my mind and it makes me crazy sometimes.

First, School will be starting soon. I'm so excited to see everyone and be teaching my students again. I'm worried about my stamina though. I'll make it through the first day I'm sure, but then not being exhausted for the second day concerns me.

Second, my dissertation process is SLOW! I kind of knew it might be, but I'm a little frustrated with myself because I'm not as quick at it as I was before.

Third, the neuropathy. It will be fantastic for a few days and then BAM! I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I even cut my thumb pretty bad this week and didn't feel it.

Fourth, I just need to be sleeping at night. I need restorative sleep. My mind will constantly go go go about things I cannot fix and/or I have some pain issues.

Sorry for the downer of a post. It's just where I am today.

All of my Doctors

I have so many doctor and scan appointments now! I saw my radiation oncologist last Friday and my medical oncologist today. Radiation thinks I look good and after my mammogram they want to see me. Medical oncology has decided to start me on Tamoxifin and see how I do. If I don't do well, then he'll stop it. He's concerned about the neuropathy, but we really won't know the extent of the damage for about a year. He wants me to get moving as best I can, so I'm probably going to join the gym so I can ride stationary bike to start. Luckily, with a letter of medical necessity from him, it'll be paid for.
So, I return in two months to him so they can flush my port, and in 4 months after I have a full body scan. Boy is November and December filling up!

Step 1

There are a few things I hinted at that will be changing for me as I continue my staying cancer free journey. My cancer was not genetic, so there are a few things I am going to change in order to give myself every fighting chance to not get cancer again. My cancer has a high probability of reoccurring, but I'm not giving it that chance. With these changes, it will happen.

So....step one

Change what I am putting IN my body. I LOVE junk food, and sugar, and especially white breads and pasta....no more.
For the last two weeks, Mark and I have been cutting out all bleached flour sources. We actually have had no pasta( loving zoodles!) and only whole grain bread(but VERY limited). Also, we have had no sugar unless it comes from a natural source like fruit.
It has been hard, and I have slipped once or twice, but instead of giving up, I forgave myself and moved on.
Actually, I craved ice cream the other night. I did have some, and it didn't taste very good to me.
I have also lost 8 pounds!
So....what do we eat?
Well, for instance, last night we had Italian sausage on the grill. It is locally made, so I know what is in it. Normally we would have these sausages on a roll with chips and dip. Tonight, we had the sausage without the rolls, peppers and onions sauteed in a little bit of olive oil and beautiful large portabella mushrooms grilled. It was so good.

This is the first change we are making, once we get this down, on to the next change.

Getting Stronger

I am getting stronger everyday! I am having more good days in a week than bad days!
Those are all great things, but ......
I need to remind myself everyday to be patient.
Taking one day at a time, and being patient with myself has been one of the biggest lessons I have learned through this journey. So, being the type A person that I am (bet you could have never guessed that about me!), I want to be back to normal NOW!
If I do too much on one day, the neuropathy usually strikes with a vengeance the next day. I have to learn to pace myself and be okay with not accomplishing everything.

Here's the thing. Even though someone is done with treatment, they say it takes the same amount of time after treatment that they were in treatment to start to feel normal again. So, for me, that is around 6 months. I was in treatment for 6 months and I can look forward 6 months and gauge about the time I'll START feeling normal.
Even though I may look good, and feel good one day, I may be down the next, or extra tired, or have to say no to something I have done in the past.

One thing I do know, my cancer was not genetic. It does however have a high probability of re-occurrence. So, I have been doing a lot of reading about environmental causes of Breast Cancer. There are major changes coming to this lady. I'll write about them in my next posts.
Thanks for all of the kind words and gestures!

An Emotional Day

This is an emotional day for sure. I have my last radiation treatment. It is extremely emotional because I have been at this for a little over 6 months.
Now the next part of my journey can begin. The journey that involves many appointments and scans. Waiting for results of scans, and most importantly getting my life back.
This is now MY time, not cancers time. Time for me to begin to strengthen myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
There is a lot coming up in my life, but I will concentrate on ME. I have to. I'm no good to anyone else if I'm not strong.

I will continue to write on this blog because the journey is by no means complete. I will also need it to help me on the rest of the journey.
So, surgery, done. Chemo, done. Radiation, done. Next step....... getting myself back.

quick update

Here is a quick update:
1. After today, I have 9 radiation treatments left!
2. I had my port flushed yesterday, and needed to talk to them about the neuropathy. They doubled my meds in hope it goes away.
3. The doctor is glad they stopped chemo early
4. Please pray that the neuropathy is temporary and not permanent. I need my hands especially in order to play piano. I would like my feet back too.

Taking the bad with the good

These days, I am learning to take the bad with the good. I'm feeling pretty good for a few days, then BAM!, I feel not so good. Going into the weekend I felt pretty good. Not too sore, the neuropathy was letting me do things and then this weekend was awful. I am REALLY sore from the boost radiations, and my neuropathy is in full swing. I haven't been able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I'm woken up by pain. My hands and feet are in constant pain and swollen.
I hope you don't feel like I'm complaining, I'm just documenting how I feel. In the grand scheme of things, I'll take this over the constant flu-like feeling I had with chemo! Only 12 more to go!