The whole truth and nothing but

This is going to be a real, truthful, and maybe a bit of a downer post. I'm not writing it to complain, but to be perfectly honest about how I am feeling.
I always try to live everyday in Joy. The past two weeks since my surgery have been extremely hard. Add Christmas into the mix, and its was a roller coaster ride for sure.
This, by far, has been the HARDEST recovery I have ever had. It is a two-fold problem. I have had to deal with the regular physical pains of recovering from major abdominal surgery. No lifting over ten pounds(Holy cow, that is light!), not being very comfortable sleeping on my side(which is my preferred way of sleeping), and wanting to stretch out, but my muscles are sore.
Not bad, or at least expected, but the emotional issues I was not prepared for. I was (according to my bloodwork) in menopause from the chemo, but my uterus had a different idea(hence the surgery). Anyway, my hormones and emotions are completely out of whack. It should calm down 2-4 weeks post operation(thank goodness tomorrow is 2 weeks!). Add Christmas, which is always emotional, and there is a recipe for a weepy momma.
We did most of our Christmas on the 22nd and 23rd. I was ok with it, I thought, until it came to the 24th and 25th. On the 23rd, in the evening, I had a panic attack. It was a full-out panic attack. Mark eventually took me outside so I could catch my breath. I am literally crying as I am writing this just thinking about how that felt. Mark was so great with me, got me calmed down, and held my hand as I fell asleep. He was still holding my hand as I woke up the next morning.
I talked to the doctor on the 24th, as they had called to tell me the pathology results were back and benign! I told them about my attack. They said that it was common due to the stark hormonal changes in my body, and if I needed them to call anytime over the holiday. They also said, it should subside within 2-4 weeks after surgery and my hormones regulate a little.
Anyway, I didn't go to church on the 24th, I was nervous to. I didn't want to feel pain(physical or emotional). Mark and Nate went (to play and sing Silent Night with guitar and singing in German), and I went to spend the evening with my mom and dad. On Christmas day, Mark and Nate went to Grandma Sweet's and I went to my mom and dads.
I thought I had done well on the 20th-23rd(until the panic attack), but I guess I had done too much(which frustrated me to no end).
Now to navigate my return to work.  I had though January 2nd (when the surgery was suppose to be laproscopic), but now I don't know for sure. I'm on the team for the High School musical, and do not want miss days, but I don't know how good I'd be to go back. Somedays I feel great, and then BAM I'm not.
How will I and the doctor make my return to work decision? I'm not sure.
AND THAT FRUSTRATES ME.
I like to plan, and I can't. Things are out of my control again, and it stinks.
Sorry for the downer of a post, but this is the truth of how I am feeling over the last few days. I have confidence that it will subside, and I'll be back to myself soon, but I am not a patient patient.

A change in plans

I'm writing this from the hospital where I'll be for another couple of days. The plan was to do my hysterectomy lapooscopically, but there was a complication. First, it took both anesthesiologists to get iv's started because my veins are awful. Once they did and put me under, they needed to invert me slightly to do the laproscopic surgery, My blood oxygen level dipped very low. After some adjustments and a few more tries, it was decided to lay me flat and do the surgery through a large incision in my abdomen. My oxygen level didn't like that either, so they proceeded quickly.They were able to remove my uterus , tubes, and ovaries. Then I dipped dangerously low again so the anesthesiologist told the doctor he needed to get me out of the anesthesia, and it would take too long to remove my cervix. So they quick closed me up. I'm in a lot of pain, have some pain from the surgery as well as from the intubation as they were moving the tube a lot.
I'm a complicated one!

The only way out is through

So...... I will be having surgery. In fact, it will be happening this Thursday December 13. Just about 3 years from the day I had my lumpectomy. More complications from the cancer. Even after you are declared in remission things crop up.
I will be having a complete hysterectomy, but they will be able to do it laparoscopically. That should cut down on the recovery time.
I'm not too anxious about the surgery, just the craziness of the pre-operation preparation. They wanted to do the surgery in January, but I'm directing a musical and asked to wait until March. They said that would not be good because I need to be back on the cancer med that keeps the chances of my breast cancer returning lower. So.... Christmas it is!
My shopping is done, so that helps.

The thing that bothers me the most is my pity party attitude. I'm tired and weary from these last three and a half years. My mind, body, and spirit have been through enough. Then I look around and realize there are a lot of people who have it worse than me and I feel guilty for feeling this way.
I have to acknowledge these feelings and move them on. "The only way out is through".

Please say a prayer or send good vibes on Thursday, for Mark to be able to deal with me, for my recovery, and for an easier road to walk(for a little while at least!)