This is going to be a real, truthful, and maybe a bit of a downer post. I'm not writing it to complain, but to be perfectly honest about how I am feeling.
I always try to live everyday in Joy. The past two weeks since my surgery have been extremely hard. Add Christmas into the mix, and its was a roller coaster ride for sure.
This, by far, has been the HARDEST recovery I have ever had. It is a two-fold problem. I have had to deal with the regular physical pains of recovering from major abdominal surgery. No lifting over ten pounds(Holy cow, that is light!), not being very comfortable sleeping on my side(which is my preferred way of sleeping), and wanting to stretch out, but my muscles are sore.
Not bad, or at least expected, but the emotional issues I was not prepared for. I was (according to my bloodwork) in menopause from the chemo, but my uterus had a different idea(hence the surgery). Anyway, my hormones and emotions are completely out of whack. It should calm down 2-4 weeks post operation(thank goodness tomorrow is 2 weeks!). Add Christmas, which is always emotional, and there is a recipe for a weepy momma.
We did most of our Christmas on the 22nd and 23rd. I was ok with it, I thought, until it came to the 24th and 25th. On the 23rd, in the evening, I had a panic attack. It was a full-out panic attack. Mark eventually took me outside so I could catch my breath. I am literally crying as I am writing this just thinking about how that felt. Mark was so great with me, got me calmed down, and held my hand as I fell asleep. He was still holding my hand as I woke up the next morning.
I talked to the doctor on the 24th, as they had called to tell me the pathology results were back and benign! I told them about my attack. They said that it was common due to the stark hormonal changes in my body, and if I needed them to call anytime over the holiday. They also said, it should subside within 2-4 weeks after surgery and my hormones regulate a little.
Anyway, I didn't go to church on the 24th, I was nervous to. I didn't want to feel pain(physical or emotional). Mark and Nate went (to play and sing Silent Night with guitar and singing in German), and I went to spend the evening with my mom and dad. On Christmas day, Mark and Nate went to Grandma Sweet's and I went to my mom and dads.
I thought I had done well on the 20th-23rd(until the panic attack), but I guess I had done too much(which frustrated me to no end).
Now to navigate my return to work. I had though January 2nd (when the surgery was suppose to be laproscopic), but now I don't know for sure. I'm on the team for the High School musical, and do not want miss days, but I don't know how good I'd be to go back. Somedays I feel great, and then BAM I'm not.
How will I and the doctor make my return to work decision? I'm not sure.
AND THAT FRUSTRATES ME.
I like to plan, and I can't. Things are out of my control again, and it stinks.
Sorry for the downer of a post, but this is the truth of how I am feeling over the last few days. I have confidence that it will subside, and I'll be back to myself soon, but I am not a patient patient.
Don't rush your return to work. Take your time to heal emotionally and physically. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong woman, sometimes we need to let go and that is so hard. Panic attacks are scary and it is a blessing you had Mark to be there for you. As much as you want things to be normal again and be back to work, your body and mind will know when you are ready. Don't rush, be patient even though it is very hard to do. I am on a break until the second, and I have a hard time worrying about it since it will be full days from now on. I should be enjoying my days as them come, deal with them as they get here... and give up the planning - as it never works as planned anyway. God Bless - get rest and enjoy your days, this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteKim, speaking from experience, what you're going through is completely normal. The whole hormonal thing is out of your control and it does come and go randomly. That makes it hard for a person who's a planner and who likes to be in control (that also comes from experience). You'll know when you're ready to go to back to work. One more item from experience, don't rush things. If you do things before your body is ready, the recovery will eventually take longer. Just take one day at a time and take the signals from your body and mind. Meanwhile, know that many people are holding you up in prayer.
ReplyDeleteYou’re totally not being a Debbie downer. You are brave. Sometimes releasing your feelings to others helps instead of bottling it up. Keep releasing to your friends and family and then work on getting through it with your friends and family and most importantly, God. Rest assure in his timing and comfort. I am thankful you have Him in your heart to help you. I am proud of you for being real and upfront. Praying for you. Love you —shell
ReplyDeletePs. Shellee your sis in law. lol. ❤️
DeleteKim, you are in our thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your heartfelt blogs. We all know how strong you are, so just trust in yourself. You can do this!
ReplyDelete