Set backs stink-maybe

Ever hear the phrase one step forward two steps back?  That's how I've felt lately. I am having a very difficult time getting my mojo back.  I haven't posted any #findyourjoy posts lately, and it's simply because I haven't been joyful.  My mind is constantly consumed with negativity so therefore, my demeanor is negative. My cup is full of fear, anxiety, depression, and negativity. I've decided I need some help in this area, so I am taking some action.

First, I am going to evaluate all of the "things" I do and decide which really bring me joy and which don't.  I'm going to truly look at those things and decide why I do them.... because I have to or think I have to, or because I want to.

Second, who do I really want to be for me, and  not someone else. As a teacher, a wife, and a mom I have given(my kids are grown) or give a lot all of the time.  It's time for me to take a little. Take what is good for me. I also need to be okay with being that selfish. That will be the hard part.

Third, figure out what I really want to do and where I want to be. As I look at the last part of my chosen career(I'm technically 7 years out, but will probably do 10), What next? What are my desires, aspirations, and goals? So I will be dreaming, and dreaming big. Nothing is out of my reach.

Fourth, I will be looking at my habits.  I will be evaluating the goodness of those habits. I feel like social media(especially facebook) may need to go away for awhile. I am having difficulty seeing all of the negative posts and complaining about things. I also am having difficulty with seeing every one's positive posts about good things happening because it makes me think I cannot achieve true happiness.  This is how I knew I needed to make a huge change.

I really admire people who have done this successfully.
I know some people are not going to be happy with some of the decisions I'm going to make, but I can't control them only me. I have to be so okay with me and my decisions and that it won't bother me to have some people upset.

Some of these things might be out of character for me, or what people think should be me, but it is completely necessary at this time in my life. I kind of chalk it up to a mid-life crisis, or better yet a mid-life realization. I know I write a lot about this and many of you are like.."alright Kim, then just do it."  Here's why I couldn't. I wasn't making physical changes. I haven't taken anything off of my plate. I tried to change my mindset without changing anything physical and my brain caught up.  Once that happened, I literally became sick. I hit the wall.
I have a few commitments to finish up, and then my re-evaluation will happen. These four things at the top of this post NEED to happen. Not all at once, but most likely in the order listed. If they don't happen in that order, it's okay, and if it takes me 50 years to complete, then that's okay too. I'll be 98 years old, and happy and content.
I hope I can teach someone else to do this as well.

UP-date

So, today I was able to get down onto my yoga mat! It felt so nice.  I spent time just sitting, breathing, and stretching.  I also had some time to think about how I am doing with showing myself grace.  I must admit, not very well. I have had quite a few times in the last few weeks since returning to work and the musical where I have beat myself up about not being able to "perform" the way I think I should or I think others think I should. I'm tired, I'm a bit short tempered, and I don't like it.
While sitting and listening to a meditation on insight timer, the one I picked(totally at random), it really resonated with me.  It has been what I have been struggling.....THE PAST!
I need to embrace my new normal, my new life and go forward leaving the past behind.

It's like when the kids both left for college and Mark and I were empty-nesters. We missed the kids, but we knew we had raised them to spread their wings and fly from the nest.  We settled in nicely totally being able to re-connect.  Then our chaos started with my cancer. 

I feel like I am standing at another crossroads of sorts. I don't need to "re-invent" myself, I need to sit, listen, and discover who I am now.  I'm still Kim, but now I'm not the Kim who has teenage kids, I'm not the Kim that hasn't faced cancer, chemo and radiation.  I'm not the Kim who has had a husband who suffered a stroke. I'm not the Kim who is the sole income earner of the house currently.  A lot of this makes me angry, but I'm moving forward.  There are exciting things that are going to happen in my life. A lot of good things that are going to happen.  I need to just be in the moment so I don't miss them.

So....how am I doing showing myself grace?  I'm getting there, getting there one day at a time.