These are a few of the things I have been wrestling with lately. I think these are things we all wrestle with when it comes to finding joy.
Are there levels to joys? The big ones being something like engagements, marriage, pregnancies, births, retirement, a new house etc.
And small joys like I slept well last night, I had a productive day at work, I didn't fight with my spouse, I had a nice dinner etc.
If we are qualifying joys then do these levels of joys add up? Are there a certain amount of joys before a person really "feels" joy?
I'm wrestling with this because I am starting to feel the need for a "big" joy to happen in my life. I'm feeling stuck. I do see the little joys, but there are a lot of big joys happening around me right now and I want one.
I know people will look at this and tell me "well, your big joy was beating cancer, Mark's stroke not taking his life". All of that is true, but these are joys that come from something bad NOT happening. I feel like my big joys are only those kind of joys. The kind where Mark or I have escaped something bad, so it should count as a joy.
I'm not talking about that though, I'm talking about the joy that comes from a dream or a goal being realized. Something really big. I want that kind of joy. I feel like I need that kind of joy to happen so I feel like I am really moving through life toward something, not just trying to survive day by day.
Lately I have felt like I am just surviving. I'm just surviving at home, I'm just surviving at work, and I'm just surviving personally.
It takes a lot to admit something like that. It's hard to see people I love and cherish get big joys, and I am truly happy for them, but honestly I want one too. Then I beat myself up for being selfish.
I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to be in a place where I am thriving. I want to be in a position where someone sees me and thinks" Wow, what a great thing has happened for her" instead of " I'm so sorry you are going through all of this but you are handling it so well." I'd like a day, one care-free day where I don't have to "handle" stuff.
Deep down, I know that is impossible. We all go through stuff. There are people going through way worse stuff than me. Then I think about that and feel selfish again.
I just needed to get my feelings out because well, keeping them bottled up inside is not a good thing at all.
So, to answer my own question.... Joys are joys I think. I am the one that puts the qualifier on whether the joy is big or small. I could not have joy at all, and then where would i be? so, I'll take any joy I can get big or small because at least i have joys and that will get me to the next joy and so on and so forth.
I don't regret the things that have brought me here... they do stink, but it is part of my journey. A journey that was designed for me.
It has taken me three days to write this post. Just last night I received a private Facebook message from a former student. She wanted to know the name of a song I had taught about in 8th grade general music. She loved the song and wanted to listen to it. Yesterday two people I hadn't heard from in years reached out to me. These random acts caused me to realize that even when I don't know I need my community, they're right there with me.
I'm finding joy today much easier than the last three and that's ok. That's ok.
#Findyourjoy
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