here we go

 Last night at 8pm, the phone call came. We were moving to full remote for at least tomorrow. 

here is what my mind said

1. Oh man....we knew this could happen, but so soon?

2. I wonder if I've been exposed, I see half the school

3. What period of time, and distance does it take to be exposed?

4. I can do this tomorrow, I'm prepared.

That last statement made it so I could go to sleep last night.

I had prepared for this. I went into the school year knowing this could happen and tried to get me and my students ready in case this happened.

I only see my hybrid students one time per week so I hoped the message was loud and clear what to do and how to do it if this happened. Fingers crossed.

A bit of this does depend on the parents. I provide the instruction and they have to get their student up and make sure they log on to do the work.

I have the instruction on there. I have been working since 7:20am making sure the student who would have seen me in class received instruction. 

I have 8th grade 1st period. I can see when they log in to my team. None of them had logged in at 11am.

This kind of curve ball that has been thrown will only work if we work as a team. I did my job, now I need the parents and students to do their job.  I know it's not easy, but it's not easy for any of us. We need to work together.

No, I didn't sleep in, I had coffee, breakfast, and was at my computer at the time I would have been arriving at school. I took 30 minutes for lunch, and was back at it. 

I will be at my computer until 2:30 when I would log off and leave school. 

However, I will be back on this weekend. Looking for last minute assignments or questions from students who I know had to watch their younger siblings today, or had spotty wi-fi and needed to have their parent drive them to a hotspot to download or upload work. 

I'm hoping we are back on Tuesday, but if not, I'm ready. I've been ready, I will be ready. 

I am  teacher. 

Be kind, show grace, and stay safe.

#Findyourjoy

Balancing Act

 Friday was a ROUGH DAY! The weeks are going quickly at school, but that's a problem. I feel a little.....no a lot behind. Getting assignments up is going well, it's getting the assignments back, grading them, helping kids with problems online, and finally getting them in the grade book. 

It feels like I'm doing three jobs. I'm lucky currently, I have a REALLY good student teacher and she is killing it. I only have her a couple of more weeks and then I'm going to take back things and it'll be more.

That coupled with Mark and his needs and I felt exhausted and totally overwhelmed.  I'm trying to balance this so I don't do school work all weekend. I'd like to be able to not do any schoolwork over the weekend, but it's impossible. Right now at least. 

I also have students contacting me over the weekend. I know they "should" be doing their work during the week when they are home, but there are so many extenuating circumstances for them too. 

Balancing is hard. 

So.... today I rest. Sunday is for rest. 

I'm no good to anyone, if I don't.

So.... I've had coffee, read, sat outside in the sunshine, made lasagna, paid some bills, and going to watch the football game. Everything else can wait. 

I feel a little guilty, but I know I'll be better for it going into the work week.

So, be kind to each other, show some grace. 

#Findyourjoy

Teaching in the pandemic

 School is exhausting but good. We are getting into the swing of things and the new temporary normal. Not all of the students are getting there, but we are patient and just keep working towards everyone being able to navigate learning this way. It's not ideal for everyone, but some are doing better than when school was the other way. We have to adapt and learn to teach everyone. That's what is exhausting. Exciting, but exhausting. 

Learning a new way to do something can be good, if we go into it with that mindset.... heck, it might even become a joy!

Mark Update

 After the crazy complications that happened the week of the surgery, Mark is doing really well. 

The hardest thing is to not let him do too much too soon. Of course he says "I'm fine", but I see the tiredness. It's natural for me to protect him. 

He has two doctor's appointments this week, one to his regular physician and one to the surgeon. After the appointment to the surgeon we will know more about the pathology report. The doctor is positive it was cancerous(probably on both sides) but it didn't look like there was any lymph node involvement. That is good! I don't anticipate any treatment for cancer like radiation or chemo. He will have to be on medication though. I do know many people who have lived with this for many years on meds and do just fine. 

#Findyourjoy

I'm back! and Where I was!

 I'm back!

Where was I?

Wallowing in my self-pity.

Doubting in my ability.

Wondering if putting myself and my life out there was a good thing.

But, I'm back! 

Here is the whole truth:

Someone close to me berated me and yelled at me for publishing this blog. This person said to me "You shouldn't be putting your whole life out there for people to see." 

This person hurt me terribly. So I stopped writing.

Then Mark's surgery happened and there were complications. School started at the same time, and it was hard. My life felt like it was spinning out of control, and I was mad.

So, I had a heart to heart with myself, prayed a lot, and decided I need to blog. I need the documentation in writing about finding my joy. 

Writing down your joys is so important. It makes them tangible. It reminds me of the good things I do have happening in my life amongst the struggles. It puts me in a better place, physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

I couldn't come back to this until I reconciled my anger with the person who broke my spirit. 

I'm blessed, I'm whole, I'm walking forward, and I'm finding my joy.

It HAS to be my priority.

Why I have not been blogging

 There are a couple of reasons why I haven't been blogging.

Let's start with the primary reason that really shook me to my core.

I was told by a family member that I shouldn't be blogging and putting my life out on the internet. This person was upset that I had talked about Mark and his struggles and upcoming surgery. This person knew all about it, as well as every family member before I put anything out there. I also received Mark's blessing to post. 

I was so angry at this family member. Therefore, I stopped writing, not because I thought that writing what I did was wrong, but I didn't want to write in anger. I needed to deal with that first before I continued writing.

I needed to find my joy again in writing this blog, and move through this first.

So..... I'm writing again.

We have been dealing with a lot of doctors and appointments, and will know more next week. We just take it day by day.

Here's what I have taken from our crazy 4 weeks after this incident:

1. I know there are a lot of people who believe differently about the COVID crisis. 

2. I am doing what is necessary for my situation and family.

3. If you don't agree with how I am handling it, that's fine.

4. Please don't ridicule my decisions on this. I don't need "fake" friends I need compassionate ones.

5. If you and I don't "match" with our beliefs on this or how to handle it, then please have an adult conversation with me on it, and please respect my decisions on whether I will see you in person.

6. I need to limit my direct contact as much as possible. I will be seeing 200 students a week here soon, and am not sure how that will jive with what the doctors will want Mark exposed to before, during and after surgery. We have a plan ready if necessary.

7. We will listen to our doctors with this one. We trust them, and want to have success with this procedure.

8. We have become very creative with how we connect with our friends and family.

9. Being creative and safe, has made those interactions much more meaningful.

10. Through this, I have been able to maintain my joy. Somedays it has been difficult, and some days it has been easy, but I have found my joy EVERY DAY!

#Findyourjoy

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Anyone else struggling with this lately or just me?

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

I get the first part. I know I need to forgive, but it's the second part I am struggling with. The part that says regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

This pandemic has everyone so crazed that there is so much hurt intentional and not intentional, that my head is spinning. Some people I could count on, I can't anymore.

I'm getting so I just want this over and to know what the lesson learned is in all of this.

Is it for me to be more forgiving? Have I not been? Was I not a forgiving person before March? 

Do I hold grudges? Why can't I let things go? Do people who tell me to let things go do the same? 

I don't know.

I have been wrestling with this for several days and nights. 

I thought that maybe I need to forgive myself for something so I can forgive others. Someone told me that once.  That if you are having trouble forgiving someone you should examine yourself because you probably have an issue in yourself somewhere you cannot forgive. 

I don't know.

I've tried to forgive, but that resentment monster keeps rearing its ugly head.  I hate what resentment does to me. It makes me not sleep, it makes me short-tempered, and it makes me physically sore. 

I guess I pamper myself a little more, count my blessings, and find my joys as best I can. 

Hopefully it'll all work itself out in time.

Again, I am not writing this to get pity from you(I have been accused of that too), but to get my feelings out, and if someone out there is struggling with the same thing, maybe the ideas I have shared with how I'm going to deal with this can help them too.  

I'm just going to send love out and hope that I get love back.

#Findyourjoy