The whole truth and nothing but

This is going to be a real, truthful, and maybe a bit of a downer post. I'm not writing it to complain, but to be perfectly honest about how I am feeling.
I always try to live everyday in Joy. The past two weeks since my surgery have been extremely hard. Add Christmas into the mix, and its was a roller coaster ride for sure.
This, by far, has been the HARDEST recovery I have ever had. It is a two-fold problem. I have had to deal with the regular physical pains of recovering from major abdominal surgery. No lifting over ten pounds(Holy cow, that is light!), not being very comfortable sleeping on my side(which is my preferred way of sleeping), and wanting to stretch out, but my muscles are sore.
Not bad, or at least expected, but the emotional issues I was not prepared for. I was (according to my bloodwork) in menopause from the chemo, but my uterus had a different idea(hence the surgery). Anyway, my hormones and emotions are completely out of whack. It should calm down 2-4 weeks post operation(thank goodness tomorrow is 2 weeks!). Add Christmas, which is always emotional, and there is a recipe for a weepy momma.
We did most of our Christmas on the 22nd and 23rd. I was ok with it, I thought, until it came to the 24th and 25th. On the 23rd, in the evening, I had a panic attack. It was a full-out panic attack. Mark eventually took me outside so I could catch my breath. I am literally crying as I am writing this just thinking about how that felt. Mark was so great with me, got me calmed down, and held my hand as I fell asleep. He was still holding my hand as I woke up the next morning.
I talked to the doctor on the 24th, as they had called to tell me the pathology results were back and benign! I told them about my attack. They said that it was common due to the stark hormonal changes in my body, and if I needed them to call anytime over the holiday. They also said, it should subside within 2-4 weeks after surgery and my hormones regulate a little.
Anyway, I didn't go to church on the 24th, I was nervous to. I didn't want to feel pain(physical or emotional). Mark and Nate went (to play and sing Silent Night with guitar and singing in German), and I went to spend the evening with my mom and dad. On Christmas day, Mark and Nate went to Grandma Sweet's and I went to my mom and dads.
I thought I had done well on the 20th-23rd(until the panic attack), but I guess I had done too much(which frustrated me to no end).
Now to navigate my return to work.  I had though January 2nd (when the surgery was suppose to be laproscopic), but now I don't know for sure. I'm on the team for the High School musical, and do not want miss days, but I don't know how good I'd be to go back. Somedays I feel great, and then BAM I'm not.
How will I and the doctor make my return to work decision? I'm not sure.
AND THAT FRUSTRATES ME.
I like to plan, and I can't. Things are out of my control again, and it stinks.
Sorry for the downer of a post, but this is the truth of how I am feeling over the last few days. I have confidence that it will subside, and I'll be back to myself soon, but I am not a patient patient.

A change in plans

I'm writing this from the hospital where I'll be for another couple of days. The plan was to do my hysterectomy lapooscopically, but there was a complication. First, it took both anesthesiologists to get iv's started because my veins are awful. Once they did and put me under, they needed to invert me slightly to do the laproscopic surgery, My blood oxygen level dipped very low. After some adjustments and a few more tries, it was decided to lay me flat and do the surgery through a large incision in my abdomen. My oxygen level didn't like that either, so they proceeded quickly.They were able to remove my uterus , tubes, and ovaries. Then I dipped dangerously low again so the anesthesiologist told the doctor he needed to get me out of the anesthesia, and it would take too long to remove my cervix. So they quick closed me up. I'm in a lot of pain, have some pain from the surgery as well as from the intubation as they were moving the tube a lot.
I'm a complicated one!

The only way out is through

So...... I will be having surgery. In fact, it will be happening this Thursday December 13. Just about 3 years from the day I had my lumpectomy. More complications from the cancer. Even after you are declared in remission things crop up.
I will be having a complete hysterectomy, but they will be able to do it laparoscopically. That should cut down on the recovery time.
I'm not too anxious about the surgery, just the craziness of the pre-operation preparation. They wanted to do the surgery in January, but I'm directing a musical and asked to wait until March. They said that would not be good because I need to be back on the cancer med that keeps the chances of my breast cancer returning lower. So.... Christmas it is!
My shopping is done, so that helps.

The thing that bothers me the most is my pity party attitude. I'm tired and weary from these last three and a half years. My mind, body, and spirit have been through enough. Then I look around and realize there are a lot of people who have it worse than me and I feel guilty for feeling this way.
I have to acknowledge these feelings and move them on. "The only way out is through".

Please say a prayer or send good vibes on Thursday, for Mark to be able to deal with me, for my recovery, and for an easier road to walk(for a little while at least!)

A little bump in the road

How do you handle a bump in the road? Some just move on like nothing has happened and keep trudging forward. Some feel devastated and come to a complete stop. What I have learned on my journey is that you will have bumps in the road, and you need to acknowledge them, and move forward at the pace you can. You do not have to do this alone however, enlist in a trusted group of people who will help you.
Why am I writing this? because I have had a minor bump in the road. About a month ago I began experiencing some pain and hemorrhaging. A biopsy was done and was benign (Hallelujah!), but I cannot be on my estrogen blocker right now until they figure out what is going on and we discuss options. The big deal with that is estrogen fueled my breast cancer and the tumor I had also had a high probability of re-occurrence, so being off the blocker isn't a great option. Anyway, I go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks to talk about options. These next 4 months of the year are crazy for this music teacher so I don't really have time for this, but.....I acknowledge it, get on my yoga mat (to keep my blood pressure down), pray(to relieve my brain thinking too far ahead, and lean on "my people"!
One thing is for sure, I feel like I am handling bumps in the road with more grace than ever before.

My Joy is coming back

My true sense of joy is coming back. It is a process, but it's coming back. First and foremost, I have begun to look deep within myself; to stop, sit still, and listen.  This is terribly hard when you are a person who is either doing or thinking about a thousand things at once.  I have been learning to write things down, put them away, and spend quiet time.  I'm certainly not perfect or even close to perfect at it, but I'm committed to it which is a good start.

The first thing I did, was to sign up for private yoga practice at Blue Sky Wellness with Danielle. I can't say enough about how this started my turn-around.  I've been beating myself up about my physical condition, and with this neuropathy, walking is painful most days. I have never missed a yoga session. There have been days where I am in excruciating pain, but Danielle switches my practice to restorative yoga with breathing, and gentle stretches.  The days I'm feeling pretty good we do other poses that require the use of my hands and standing poses.

Beyond that though, Danielle and I have found  common bond.  She is a little older than my children, but she is truly wise beyond her years.  She is a teacher at the preschool learning center, teaching students with disabilities.  We both taught summer school and often talked about the hardships our kids faced.  So, this year, my homeroom (of 8th graders) are going to "adopt" her room.  It's great for everyone. 

Well, back to my journey. As I am learning more about myself as I'm learning how to sit quietly, plan my day purposefully, and give myself grace as I need it, and my true #findyourjoy  is coming back.
Thank you Danielle, thank you to all of my friends, family, and colleagues.  I am surrounded by such a great group of people, and very thankful everyday for them.

Where is your Joy?

I have been pondering why I haven't truly been feeling joy when I #findyourjoy so much.  As I really sat back and analyzed it, I realized that my joy moments were coming from external things.  Things I saw, blessings I know I have, and people who have extended their kind words, but not from inside of me.  I have wondered for awhile now why I wasn't always really feeling joyful at the end of the day but could encourage others to find joy and seemingly be able to verbalize what my joys were. They are my joys, but I cannot rely on outward joys alone. I need to truly find and feel joy with myself and within myself.

I ultimately decided that I need to be selfish, and make this about ME. When I went through my cancer it was difficult for me to rely on other people. I was very grateful for those that helped me, and turned a lot of that help into helping others. By helping others it helped me not think about me and my situation. Once finished, I had 6 months and then Mark had his stroke. Now my focus had to turn to him.  Again if I focused all of my attention on him, I didn't have to focus my attention on me, my recovery, and being the wife of a man who I almost lost due to the stroke. Then things became stressful.  We know Mark is back physically(he only has issues when he is over tired and not concentrating on walking), but his cognitive issues will not get better. He does really well, but our lives have changed. The stress has gotten to me lately, the change in our lifestyle, being the sole breadwinner of the family, and the whole process of filing for Social Security Disability for a man who is 50 and "looks" good is daunting at best some days.  So, I decided I need to concentrate on me a little more and find my true joy inside of me and not rely on outer things to provide it. 

My journey began today with my first one on one yoga session with Danielle.  I decided private sessions would be best as I need that one on one attention.  It was great to do gentle stretches, concentrate on my own breath, how I feel, and not worry about anything else.  I felt great afterward. 

I go again next week, and cannot wait. 

So, I'm on a ME journey. You will still see my #findyourjoy posts because I still like the outward signs of joy that are given to each of us everyday, but I will also try to post on my inner joy as well. This is a journey, it will take time, but I am looking forward to the process, and that I have all of my #findyourjoy friends to support me! So, I encourage you to keep finding your joy and also to make sure you are finding that joy within you as well as through the outward things that give you joy!

Find your Joy

I have had a lot of comments either in person or on line regarding my #findyourjoy.  It is really something I try to live everyday. Everyone has their struggles, and this mantra applies to anyone.  Just find one thing you can be joyful for. The sunshine, the birds singing, a restful night, a little time without pain etc.

One thing I have noticed by doing this is how negative people can be.  I get very uncomfortable when I hear negativity now, especially from people who I can see where all of the joyful things are in their life.  I have to remember that I don't know where people are at in their own personal lives, and I need to gently remind them or encourage them to find a positive.

So, now that I feel comfortable as to where I am at with my joy journey, it's time for the next step. ME, I am the next step. My neuropathy is something I cannot find joy in, I constantly remind myself that I am cancer free, but the neuropathy is permanent and it does interfere with my daily living more often than not.  So, I am going to focus on me. I am making some small, sequential changes in my physical life that I will be sharing as I go. I have been doing a lot of research on peripheral neuropathy and will be making these changes starting this week. So..... stay tuned!



P.S. Mark is doing well, we are still awaiting initial determination on Social Security Disability, so keep us in your prayers and keep finding your joy!

Last of a Legend

So, today marks the final performance of Mary Poppins at Pioneer High School. It also marks the last show at Pioneer High School for Wyn Roll. It has been such an immense pleasure working with him for all of these years. We have butted heads quite a few times, but have always remained friends.  Why? because we both always have looked and will look at everything we do from the perspective of "what is best for our students".  I am proud to have had the privilege to work with him on the production team, and I will carry the knowledge he has given me forever. Wyn Roll is a legend! The Pioneer community is lucky to have had his wisdom and leadership for so many years.  Even though Mary Poppins flies today for the last full performance, this show is not over.  The show and cast are nominated for the Kenny award.  Let's go get 'em today and win this for Mr. Roll!

Organize

Now that I've taken a year to really concentrate on the joys in my everyday life(which I am going to continue doing), I want to think about getting organized.  So, the next few blogs will be about how I'm getting organized.  I've always though I was fairly organized, but when I got sick, then Mark had his stroke, I realized I wasn't necessarily organized in the places I needed to be organized in. 
Starting really small, on Sunday December 31st, I was going to go grocery shopping for the week.  I had our meals planned, and a list in hand ready to go.  Mark said to me "Hey, let's re-organize the pantry before you go grocery shopping, it's a bit of a mess."  It was a great idea. We took everything out of the pantry, and lined it up on the kitchen cabinets and table, re-organized it, and put it back.  BOY DID I FIND A LOT! So much, that I didn't go grocery shopping and we are trying to eat from what we have for a week or two? I needed milk and butter, so we got that today, but Eat from the Pantry is underway!
Sunday 12/31- I had beef stew planned, so made that
Monday 1/1- My mom invited us over (Yea MOM!)
Tuesday- I had been to a Tastefully Simple Party and had a Potato Cheese soup mix(which I added leftover ham), and Bountiful Beer Bread


Stay tuned for the rest of the Pantry clean out!!!

Organizing is great!

New Blog Title

I've decided to keep #findyourjoy as my 2018 theme. I've also decided to turn it into my blog name.  I kept My New Journey, as I'm always on a new journey as the event that caused me to start this blog with that title had such a profound impact on me.  So..... I'm going to use that hashtag when I post, and I'll be blogging about other words I contemplated using as my 2018 word.  I hope that this blog as well as my posts bring you joy, and help you when you need to remember your joy.  Plan on seeing more posts from me, and when you are having trouble finding your joy, reach out to me, and this community of wonderful people who have written to me about finding their joy.