End of the school year

So, the end of the school year is upon us. I'm finishing my 23rd year at Pioneer and 27th year overall. I can't even believe that. So, as I look back at this year, I have two thoughts.
1. I learned a lot about myself
2. It was by far the hardest year I have had

These two things really go hand in hand.
I know some of you are thinking that the year I had cancer certainly must have been harder than this last one. The beginning of that year was, but the last half of the year I was home, concentrating on chemo and radiation, and not having to worry about school.

This year, I had a surgery I wasn't intending on having, complications with that surgery, all while dealing with Mark and his things going on. He had a rough winter, and his long term disability was stopped. We are still at least 14 months out from his permanent disability hearing. All of this and dealing with school.

Dealing  was hard, really hard. Many days I felt helpless, wanted to throw in the towel and just cry.

I'm thankful to have Mark here..... it could have been a very different scenario that day. But.... his life changed that day, really changed, and so did mine. He's the same Mark, but not the same Mark. People try to tell me how good he is doing (and he is), but they don't see his private frustration. People all the time try to tell me how he must be feeling but they don't really know. They don't live with him.

We just celebrated our 29th wedding Anniversary over the weekend. I've known Mark for 33 years. I love him more today than yesterday and will love him more tomorrow than today.
We will weather this storm together, day by day.

I've learned that I can do this. I can feel all of these feelings. I can feel happy and content one day, and frustrated and sad the next. I can be super mad at the system, and I can be grateful for having a job that can support us both. I can feel lonely, and I can feel surrounded by friends. I can be content with less "things" or not being able to do the things we used to because Mark can't handle the situation.

I can... and I will..... One day at a time.... it's my only choice.

Purpose

I often think about what my purpose is.  I have(over my lifetime) assumed many roles.  These roles have come and gone, overlapped with one another only to possibly transect each other again and a different point in my life. These roles have defined my purpose. That too has changed with the ever weaving tapestry of my roles.

So, these roles, what have they been or what are they now?  Well, currently I think some of my roles are: wife, mom to adult children, daughter, friend, and teacher.

Wife- Merriam-Webster defines wife as a woman acting in a specified capacity. That "specified capacity" changes too. I'm a partner, a listener, a care-giver, and a confidant.  

Mom(to adult children)- I've been this for awhile now. I like it.

Daughter- I'm fortunate to be able to live in the same town as my parents. I see them every Saturday for breakfast. There is stability and consistency there. I need that.

Friend- I have always struggled with this one. See, I don't think I'm a great friend. I'm nice and all, but I'm not one to go out with the girls or call, or make sure I connect. That's a problem. 

Teacher- This takes up the majority of my time. I want to be a good teacher right up to the day I retire. Teaching is not only a physical job, but an emotional one as well. If you allow yourself to receive the "heart pay" teaching provides, then you have to give that heart into teaching. This whole teaching thing can be exhausting. I need to remember to re-charge.


So .... what is my purpose? Not an easy question to answer. I guess my purpose is to live in these roles which are a part of my life and who I am right now, and to do it with grace. Grace to those I meet, those who are the other halves of these roles, and most importantly me. 

Be kind and graceful to me.

Be kind and graceful to those you meet.

#Findyourjoy