So, the end of the school year is upon us. I'm finishing my 23rd year at Pioneer and 27th year overall. I can't even believe that. So, as I look back at this year, I have two thoughts.
1. I learned a lot about myself
2. It was by far the hardest year I have had
These two things really go hand in hand.
I know some of you are thinking that the year I had cancer certainly must have been harder than this last one. The beginning of that year was, but the last half of the year I was home, concentrating on chemo and radiation, and not having to worry about school.
This year, I had a surgery I wasn't intending on having, complications with that surgery, all while dealing with Mark and his things going on. He had a rough winter, and his long term disability was stopped. We are still at least 14 months out from his permanent disability hearing. All of this and dealing with school.
Dealing was hard, really hard. Many days I felt helpless, wanted to throw in the towel and just cry.
I'm thankful to have Mark here..... it could have been a very different scenario that day. But.... his life changed that day, really changed, and so did mine. He's the same Mark, but not the same Mark. People try to tell me how good he is doing (and he is), but they don't see his private frustration. People all the time try to tell me how he must be feeling but they don't really know. They don't live with him.
We just celebrated our 29th wedding Anniversary over the weekend. I've known Mark for 33 years. I love him more today than yesterday and will love him more tomorrow than today.
We will weather this storm together, day by day.
I've learned that I can do this. I can feel all of these feelings. I can feel happy and content one day, and frustrated and sad the next. I can be super mad at the system, and I can be grateful for having a job that can support us both. I can feel lonely, and I can feel surrounded by friends. I can be content with less "things" or not being able to do the things we used to because Mark can't handle the situation.
I can... and I will..... One day at a time.... it's my only choice.
Kim, you are in my heart. We have gone through some similar things (though I have been well) with Lynn. Open heart surgery, diabetes, and now dialysis have thrown a loop into our lives and our relationship. Our commitment to each other never waned, however, and he is grateful for all I have been able to do for him. I am grateful to have him around -and yes, we came very near to losing him- and for all of encouragement and love from family and friends, as I am sure you are. We are fortunate that I was able to retire last year after almost 30 years of teaching, so that I can take him to hospitals, appointments, treatments and training for home dialysis. We could never have imagined we would be in this position almost 43 years ago when we got married, but this is what we signed on for. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, and will send hugs and prayers to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThoughtful, therapeutic, ultimately courageously positive. Day by day...
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