redness setting in and a moment I cherish

This morning I woke up a little uncomfortable. I'm starting to get red where the radiation is targeted. Luckily I have some awesome radiation cream my sister-in-law sent me especially for breast cancer radiation patients.
So, I think that is the last of the things that could crop up as far as treatment is concerned. Other than that and the fatigue, I'm doing alright.

I had a little moment last night as I watched the All-Choral concert. My colleagues are the best! They have taken my absence, pulled together(along with my amazing sub) and kept everything going. They played and conducted my group and made it look effortless. My school kids have had to make major adjustments these last 5 months which is difficult at that age. I'm sure things haven't been smooth all of the time, and I'm sure I haven't heard about those bumps on purpose, but I am so incredibly proud of them. I will miss my 8th graders terribly, and am upset I only had the opportunity to work with them 1/2 a year. I will see them at the High School though as I'm over there a bit helping with other extra choral things and the musical. At every choral event involving my kids, they have sent me love and a shout-out. Here's a photo from last night (thanks Kolasny family for the picture!!)

Tedious and Tiring

That's what radiation is, tedious and tiring. I go everyday at the same time. I see the same ladies ahead of me and no one behind me as there is a blank spot right now. I have two protocols in the scanner so that changes everyday. One day the table tilts halfway through and the next day it doesn't. I have figured that out in a week! I watch the screen in the room that gives the numbers of the angle of the scanner and table and soon I'm done. I say my goodbyes, and "see you tomorrow's".

I'm actually amazed at how something so short, tedious, and pain free can cause me to be so tired. However, the medicine I am on for the neuropathy makes me tired too, so I'm not sure how much of my fatigue is radiation and how much is medicine. What I do know is that if I want to get something done, I need to do it in the morning. That is the best time for my hands and feet. So, I get up with Mark and tackle the one or two things on my list of things to get done. It may be unloading the dishwasher, but then I have to wait to load it until later with Mark's help. It may be folding a load of clothes and putting them away. That task takes awhile especially if I have to hang Mark's shirts. Buttoning buttons is difficult for me usually and it takes time. Sometimes it's typing like today. Catching up on emails, and writing this blog.

I have learned that it is okay that I only get one or two things accomplished. I'm not superwoman. I have just went through 6 rounds of chemo with crazy complications, and am still in treatment with radiation. Doing those one or two things is an accomplishment, and I just keep plugging along at my list of things I need to do. When I get too far behind, Mark steps in or my parents step in to help. I also look toward early July when this part of my treatment will be done. Them I move on to the next step.

One day at a time.

Just Plain Tired

I am just plain tired, and its frustrating. I'm not feeling "chemo yucky" anymore now that chemo is over. However, the medication they have me on for the neuropathy and radiation makes me tired. I have radiation everyday Monday-Friday for 7 weeks. With the memorial day and 4th of July holidays, I should finish around July5th! Then I go for scans, get this blasted port out, and work on getting back to myself. I'm thankful I have the summer to do that. I want to be feeling healthy to start the school year in September.
In my planning mind, I have a long list of things I would like to accomplish everyday. Things like, bill paying, laundry, loading the dishwasher. Things that I could do in a day plus go to work. That is where the frustration lies. Most days I can only accomplish one of those easy tasks. Then I'm exhausted or the neuropathy in my hands or feet won't allow me to do the task. I know I have to be patient with myself.
I have seen a post on facebook about the how some people who are going through treatment don't look like they are, but none the less are tired and need rest. It's not laziness, its the side effects of the treatment. Granted, I look like I'm in or have been in treatment as I am just getting some peach fuzz on my head, but I'm the only one within the time frame of my radiation with no hair. The two ladies before me everyday at radiation are being treated for breast cancer but had no chemo. They are just as tired as I am. Both of those ladies are quite a bit older than I am. My doctor said they treated me aggressively as I'm considered young for breast cancer. If I were 20 years older. my treatment would have looked very different.
So my point is that everyone going through treatment is different, and no matter if they "look" like they are going through treatment or not, they may be very tired, they may need help.
I have received a lot of help through my journey. My family has been there to help clean, do laundry, and even type emails when my hands weren't working. Many of you have offered help through kind words, cards, and donating to the chemo bag project.

Speaking of the project, over 300 bags have been created. The money left after those 300 bags is outstanding, so I asked my medical and radiation nurses for suggestions. Gas cards were the biggest request. Like me, many go to radiation or chemo daily and it does add up. If the burden of paying for gas could be lifted, that would help many people. Also, they suggested some of the money go to helping pay co-pays. We are looking into how to do that. One of my nurses has a patient who needs the neulasta so her white counts stay up, but he insurance will not pay for all of it, and she has to pay $800.00 out of pocket if she wants it. There are countless other stories like this woman. So, some of the money will help that cause.
Hearing these stories makes me feel incredibly blessed. Blessed to have good health insurance, a flex card for co-pays, people to drive me to treatments, the ability to pay for gas to do that, and many people surrounding me and encouraging me.

On to Radiation

I saw both my medical and radiation oncologists on Friday. My medical oncologist is putting me on something for the neuropathy in my hands and feet. He also is increasing another med which will help slow my heart rate down. He is sending me for an ekg to check things as my heart has been running over 100 for weeks. If my blood pressure goes up, the heart rate comes down and visa versa.

Then I saw the radiation oncologist. Basically, he wants to do radiation on my whole left side, not just where the lumpectomy was. He is concerned about how fast the tumor grew and is quite happy it didn't get to the lymph nodes but was surprised it hadn't. Therefore, we need to be cautious and do the whole left side. I will have radiation everyday for at least 7 weeks.

After radiation is done, I see the medical oncologist. I will have scans, and if those are clear, we will talk about getting this port out! Then I go on a pill for 5 years.

I am starting to get a little peach fuzz on my head, I can feel it, but not see it unless you look really close. I also have to start walking everyday for little jaunts as my neuropath in my feet can tolerate as well as my heart.

I think I can faintly see the light at the end of the tunnel, but still need a little push to keep going. So , thank you to all of you who like my posts and give me little notes of encouragement. You are the push I need to finish this race.

More Truths

I have been pondering why I was upset when the doctor told me we would need to stop chemo. Don't get me wrong, being done with chemo is great, but I cried. I cried out of relief that this part of the journey was done, but I did cry over frustration too. I'm frustrated I couldn't finish. I think I feel weak as a person. I know that chemo effects people differently but you only hear about the people that do really well, or are super strong. I simply didn't feel that way. Also, for as much as I have learned through this to take one day at a time and not plan so far ahead, my plan was derailed. I knew when I would finish, I knew when radiation would start, I knew when I would start back to school, I knew when my hair would start to grow back. I had a plan to get stronger and when and how to accomplish that. With my set backs and stopping chemo, my plan went out the window and that frustrated me.

With the neuropathy, it takes twice or three times as long to do anything with my hands. Since it is in my feet as well, it is painful to walk most days. My blood pressure and heart rate are slowly getting there, but I still have to be careful. I'll know my counts Friday but I feel like they are rebounding. I still have bad days and they surprise me, so I carefully go over the day before to calculate what or how much I did to see if there is a correlation.

The most frustrating thing is the neuropathy in my hands. Holding a pen and writing is excruciating. I haven't been able to play piano in months, and typing is ok, but after I type for awhile I have to rest.

I have two appointments this Friday which would have been my last chemo. I see the medical and radiation oncologists. I'll know more then.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as Paige graduates from Roberts Wesleyan this weekend. I want to feel my best so I can enjoy celebrating this wonderful day with her. I walked across that same stage 24 years ago and can't wait to see my baby do the same.