More Truths

I have been pondering why I was upset when the doctor told me we would need to stop chemo. Don't get me wrong, being done with chemo is great, but I cried. I cried out of relief that this part of the journey was done, but I did cry over frustration too. I'm frustrated I couldn't finish. I think I feel weak as a person. I know that chemo effects people differently but you only hear about the people that do really well, or are super strong. I simply didn't feel that way. Also, for as much as I have learned through this to take one day at a time and not plan so far ahead, my plan was derailed. I knew when I would finish, I knew when radiation would start, I knew when I would start back to school, I knew when my hair would start to grow back. I had a plan to get stronger and when and how to accomplish that. With my set backs and stopping chemo, my plan went out the window and that frustrated me.

With the neuropathy, it takes twice or three times as long to do anything with my hands. Since it is in my feet as well, it is painful to walk most days. My blood pressure and heart rate are slowly getting there, but I still have to be careful. I'll know my counts Friday but I feel like they are rebounding. I still have bad days and they surprise me, so I carefully go over the day before to calculate what or how much I did to see if there is a correlation.

The most frustrating thing is the neuropathy in my hands. Holding a pen and writing is excruciating. I haven't been able to play piano in months, and typing is ok, but after I type for awhile I have to rest.

I have two appointments this Friday which would have been my last chemo. I see the medical and radiation oncologists. I'll know more then.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as Paige graduates from Roberts Wesleyan this weekend. I want to feel my best so I can enjoy celebrating this wonderful day with her. I walked across that same stage 24 years ago and can't wait to see my baby do the same.