Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Anyone else struggling with this lately or just me?

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

I get the first part. I know I need to forgive, but it's the second part I am struggling with. The part that says regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

This pandemic has everyone so crazed that there is so much hurt intentional and not intentional, that my head is spinning. Some people I could count on, I can't anymore.

I'm getting so I just want this over and to know what the lesson learned is in all of this.

Is it for me to be more forgiving? Have I not been? Was I not a forgiving person before March? 

Do I hold grudges? Why can't I let things go? Do people who tell me to let things go do the same? 

I don't know.

I have been wrestling with this for several days and nights. 

I thought that maybe I need to forgive myself for something so I can forgive others. Someone told me that once.  That if you are having trouble forgiving someone you should examine yourself because you probably have an issue in yourself somewhere you cannot forgive. 

I don't know.

I've tried to forgive, but that resentment monster keeps rearing its ugly head.  I hate what resentment does to me. It makes me not sleep, it makes me short-tempered, and it makes me physically sore. 

I guess I pamper myself a little more, count my blessings, and find my joys as best I can. 

Hopefully it'll all work itself out in time.

Again, I am not writing this to get pity from you(I have been accused of that too), but to get my feelings out, and if someone out there is struggling with the same thing, maybe the ideas I have shared with how I'm going to deal with this can help them too.  

I'm just going to send love out and hope that I get love back.

#Findyourjoy

I had a hit the wall moment

Yesterday, I had a "hit the wall" moment. It was over a lot of things coming up. We have some events (that are still happening) that I'm uncomfortable with, and couple that with the school districts' meeting and creating re-opening plans..... I lost it yesterday. I cried....A LOT! 

It was a good release. I (unknowingly) had pent up these feelings of frustration and anger I have. I'm so tired of seeing people bash my profession on social media, bash what I believe is best for me and my husband right now, and just have lost respect for others.  People that have no idea of every individual's situation. I had had it. I had had it with being cordial, ignoring things on social media and the news, and had it with feeling physical soreness from not releasing my emotions. 

Mark was amazing. He just listened, let me cry, and held me. I finally felt safe, and could go on with my evening. 

 I write this not to gain pity, but to let you know that through all of that yesterday, I did find joy.

I found joy in the two individual video chats I did with 2 students taking summer school camp. They are going into 9th grade. We had amazing conversations about what they would like to do after High School, and what they need to do to get there. 

To the cynics- I am teaching. I am working every day. I'm teaching summer school, and making sure my curriculum (3 full curriculums, it would be 5 if my co-teacher and I didn't split things up) are ready to go online and in-person. I am paralleling my lessons to prepare for whatever happens. It looks different, but I am doing it. Both girls asked me what I thought would happen next year. I told them, I don't know. I also told them that I do know that the district is meeting, and working on many plans for many scenarios that follow the guidelines provided to them.  I told them that I have confidence that they will come up with plans that will take everyone in the buildings into account. I will be ready for whichever scenario happens. I will be nervous too. There are pluses and minuses to every scenario. I don't have control over much, but I do have control over being prepared for those scenarios. 

That's what I focus on today. What I have control over. I may lose some friends or have some family upset with me over this, but my biggest concern is myself, and Mark. That has to come first. 

What I will not do is publicly berate you for your choices, so don't berate me for mine. If you do, you may hear some things you don't want to, and possibly things I might regret saying. I am fragile after yesterday. I won't be this fragile forever.  Many are fragile right now, so just be careful. 

I should have taken care of myself a little better the last few days and I might not have hit that wall. Lesson learned. 

Take special care of yourself a little bit every day.

and

#Findyourjoy

Sadness

What do you do with sadness? 

We all have times we feel sad. How does it go away? When does it go away? Can we make it go away, or does it just take time?

These are a few things I have been pondering. 

Overall, I have not been sad. I have had fleeting moments of sadness wash over me, but I use some of the tools I have and it helps.

However, I have seen a few people on my social media platforms that are really struggling with sadness.

Sometimes I think it's more frustration at first, but then turns to sadness. 

I get some of the frustrations. I don't get them all though, because my situation is not the same as yours.

Even though our situations might be different, how we overcome the frustration or more particularly the sadness is the same.

Some of you are thinking......"oh boy, here she goes again with the #Findyourjoy thing" 

It's true though. When I didn't have that mindset, I was miserable about EVERY LITTLE THING. If the littlest thing happened and I didn't have the control, I was miserable or sad or frustrated.....

I can gauge when this shift happened by just reading my memories on Facebook. I have memories from 8-11 years ago that when I read them I think... "I'm glad I'm not that person today." but...if I wasn't that person, I wouldn't be who I am today. 

For example... many of my posts were about not sleeping well, being tired, being frustrated. They all worked together. I know why I wasn't sleeping. I was worrying. 

Do I have nights where I don't sleep well now? Of course. Most of those times are because of pain, but when I'm focused and get ahead of the pain, I do better. I need to focus on the things that are important. 

Can we make sadness go away? I say Yes. 

Will it take time? It can. I think that depends on what the sadness is based around and your mindset. 

Do we need help with getting past our sadness? Sometimes. Sometimes I can get past my sadness by shifting my focus to something els.  Sometimes I write, sometimes I sing or play piano, sometimes I pray or meditate, sometimes I need to talk to someone.

Most of the time, I truly need to find a joy. Any little joy will help me get started. 

Why did I write this post? am I sad? Sort of. I'm sad for what I am seeing on social media pages. I'm sad that people I know and care about are blankly posting things (out of their frustration I'm sure), that hurt others. 

Pushing your frustration and sadness onto others will not take it away from you. 

You still have to deal with it. 

I would be more than willing to listen, and help, and ask and answer the tough questions , but.... you have to be willing to listen, help, and ask and answer the tough questions too. I won't do this on facebook though. I would rather not do it over the phone either. I want to see you, hear the inflection in your voice, see if it matches your body language. 

If I can't help, then I need to help you find someone who can.

Sadness is real.... we can, do, and should feel it. 

We can move it on its way after we feel it.

The problem comes when you won't try to get rid of it. 

So, please try and find your joy today, start your journey towards being able to feel frustration and sadness, and move it on its way. It will make a huge difference in your life.