Teaching in the pandemic

 School is exhausting but good. We are getting into the swing of things and the new temporary normal. Not all of the students are getting there, but we are patient and just keep working towards everyone being able to navigate learning this way. It's not ideal for everyone, but some are doing better than when school was the other way. We have to adapt and learn to teach everyone. That's what is exhausting. Exciting, but exhausting. 

Learning a new way to do something can be good, if we go into it with that mindset.... heck, it might even become a joy!

Mark Update

 After the crazy complications that happened the week of the surgery, Mark is doing really well. 

The hardest thing is to not let him do too much too soon. Of course he says "I'm fine", but I see the tiredness. It's natural for me to protect him. 

He has two doctor's appointments this week, one to his regular physician and one to the surgeon. After the appointment to the surgeon we will know more about the pathology report. The doctor is positive it was cancerous(probably on both sides) but it didn't look like there was any lymph node involvement. That is good! I don't anticipate any treatment for cancer like radiation or chemo. He will have to be on medication though. I do know many people who have lived with this for many years on meds and do just fine. 

#Findyourjoy

I'm back! and Where I was!

 I'm back!

Where was I?

Wallowing in my self-pity.

Doubting in my ability.

Wondering if putting myself and my life out there was a good thing.

But, I'm back! 

Here is the whole truth:

Someone close to me berated me and yelled at me for publishing this blog. This person said to me "You shouldn't be putting your whole life out there for people to see." 

This person hurt me terribly. So I stopped writing.

Then Mark's surgery happened and there were complications. School started at the same time, and it was hard. My life felt like it was spinning out of control, and I was mad.

So, I had a heart to heart with myself, prayed a lot, and decided I need to blog. I need the documentation in writing about finding my joy. 

Writing down your joys is so important. It makes them tangible. It reminds me of the good things I do have happening in my life amongst the struggles. It puts me in a better place, physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

I couldn't come back to this until I reconciled my anger with the person who broke my spirit. 

I'm blessed, I'm whole, I'm walking forward, and I'm finding my joy.

It HAS to be my priority.

Why I have not been blogging

 There are a couple of reasons why I haven't been blogging.

Let's start with the primary reason that really shook me to my core.

I was told by a family member that I shouldn't be blogging and putting my life out on the internet. This person was upset that I had talked about Mark and his struggles and upcoming surgery. This person knew all about it, as well as every family member before I put anything out there. I also received Mark's blessing to post. 

I was so angry at this family member. Therefore, I stopped writing, not because I thought that writing what I did was wrong, but I didn't want to write in anger. I needed to deal with that first before I continued writing.

I needed to find my joy again in writing this blog, and move through this first.

So..... I'm writing again.

We have been dealing with a lot of doctors and appointments, and will know more next week. We just take it day by day.

Here's what I have taken from our crazy 4 weeks after this incident:

1. I know there are a lot of people who believe differently about the COVID crisis. 

2. I am doing what is necessary for my situation and family.

3. If you don't agree with how I am handling it, that's fine.

4. Please don't ridicule my decisions on this. I don't need "fake" friends I need compassionate ones.

5. If you and I don't "match" with our beliefs on this or how to handle it, then please have an adult conversation with me on it, and please respect my decisions on whether I will see you in person.

6. I need to limit my direct contact as much as possible. I will be seeing 200 students a week here soon, and am not sure how that will jive with what the doctors will want Mark exposed to before, during and after surgery. We have a plan ready if necessary.

7. We will listen to our doctors with this one. We trust them, and want to have success with this procedure.

8. We have become very creative with how we connect with our friends and family.

9. Being creative and safe, has made those interactions much more meaningful.

10. Through this, I have been able to maintain my joy. Somedays it has been difficult, and some days it has been easy, but I have found my joy EVERY DAY!

#Findyourjoy

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Anyone else struggling with this lately or just me?

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

I get the first part. I know I need to forgive, but it's the second part I am struggling with. The part that says regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

This pandemic has everyone so crazed that there is so much hurt intentional and not intentional, that my head is spinning. Some people I could count on, I can't anymore.

I'm getting so I just want this over and to know what the lesson learned is in all of this.

Is it for me to be more forgiving? Have I not been? Was I not a forgiving person before March? 

Do I hold grudges? Why can't I let things go? Do people who tell me to let things go do the same? 

I don't know.

I have been wrestling with this for several days and nights. 

I thought that maybe I need to forgive myself for something so I can forgive others. Someone told me that once.  That if you are having trouble forgiving someone you should examine yourself because you probably have an issue in yourself somewhere you cannot forgive. 

I don't know.

I've tried to forgive, but that resentment monster keeps rearing its ugly head.  I hate what resentment does to me. It makes me not sleep, it makes me short-tempered, and it makes me physically sore. 

I guess I pamper myself a little more, count my blessings, and find my joys as best I can. 

Hopefully it'll all work itself out in time.

Again, I am not writing this to get pity from you(I have been accused of that too), but to get my feelings out, and if someone out there is struggling with the same thing, maybe the ideas I have shared with how I'm going to deal with this can help them too.  

I'm just going to send love out and hope that I get love back.

#Findyourjoy

I had a hit the wall moment

Yesterday, I had a "hit the wall" moment. It was over a lot of things coming up. We have some events (that are still happening) that I'm uncomfortable with, and couple that with the school districts' meeting and creating re-opening plans..... I lost it yesterday. I cried....A LOT! 

It was a good release. I (unknowingly) had pent up these feelings of frustration and anger I have. I'm so tired of seeing people bash my profession on social media, bash what I believe is best for me and my husband right now, and just have lost respect for others.  People that have no idea of every individual's situation. I had had it. I had had it with being cordial, ignoring things on social media and the news, and had it with feeling physical soreness from not releasing my emotions. 

Mark was amazing. He just listened, let me cry, and held me. I finally felt safe, and could go on with my evening. 

 I write this not to gain pity, but to let you know that through all of that yesterday, I did find joy.

I found joy in the two individual video chats I did with 2 students taking summer school camp. They are going into 9th grade. We had amazing conversations about what they would like to do after High School, and what they need to do to get there. 

To the cynics- I am teaching. I am working every day. I'm teaching summer school, and making sure my curriculum (3 full curriculums, it would be 5 if my co-teacher and I didn't split things up) are ready to go online and in-person. I am paralleling my lessons to prepare for whatever happens. It looks different, but I am doing it. Both girls asked me what I thought would happen next year. I told them, I don't know. I also told them that I do know that the district is meeting, and working on many plans for many scenarios that follow the guidelines provided to them.  I told them that I have confidence that they will come up with plans that will take everyone in the buildings into account. I will be ready for whichever scenario happens. I will be nervous too. There are pluses and minuses to every scenario. I don't have control over much, but I do have control over being prepared for those scenarios. 

That's what I focus on today. What I have control over. I may lose some friends or have some family upset with me over this, but my biggest concern is myself, and Mark. That has to come first. 

What I will not do is publicly berate you for your choices, so don't berate me for mine. If you do, you may hear some things you don't want to, and possibly things I might regret saying. I am fragile after yesterday. I won't be this fragile forever.  Many are fragile right now, so just be careful. 

I should have taken care of myself a little better the last few days and I might not have hit that wall. Lesson learned. 

Take special care of yourself a little bit every day.

and

#Findyourjoy

Sadness

What do you do with sadness? 

We all have times we feel sad. How does it go away? When does it go away? Can we make it go away, or does it just take time?

These are a few things I have been pondering. 

Overall, I have not been sad. I have had fleeting moments of sadness wash over me, but I use some of the tools I have and it helps.

However, I have seen a few people on my social media platforms that are really struggling with sadness.

Sometimes I think it's more frustration at first, but then turns to sadness. 

I get some of the frustrations. I don't get them all though, because my situation is not the same as yours.

Even though our situations might be different, how we overcome the frustration or more particularly the sadness is the same.

Some of you are thinking......"oh boy, here she goes again with the #Findyourjoy thing" 

It's true though. When I didn't have that mindset, I was miserable about EVERY LITTLE THING. If the littlest thing happened and I didn't have the control, I was miserable or sad or frustrated.....

I can gauge when this shift happened by just reading my memories on Facebook. I have memories from 8-11 years ago that when I read them I think... "I'm glad I'm not that person today." but...if I wasn't that person, I wouldn't be who I am today. 

For example... many of my posts were about not sleeping well, being tired, being frustrated. They all worked together. I know why I wasn't sleeping. I was worrying. 

Do I have nights where I don't sleep well now? Of course. Most of those times are because of pain, but when I'm focused and get ahead of the pain, I do better. I need to focus on the things that are important. 

Can we make sadness go away? I say Yes. 

Will it take time? It can. I think that depends on what the sadness is based around and your mindset. 

Do we need help with getting past our sadness? Sometimes. Sometimes I can get past my sadness by shifting my focus to something els.  Sometimes I write, sometimes I sing or play piano, sometimes I pray or meditate, sometimes I need to talk to someone.

Most of the time, I truly need to find a joy. Any little joy will help me get started. 

Why did I write this post? am I sad? Sort of. I'm sad for what I am seeing on social media pages. I'm sad that people I know and care about are blankly posting things (out of their frustration I'm sure), that hurt others. 

Pushing your frustration and sadness onto others will not take it away from you. 

You still have to deal with it. 

I would be more than willing to listen, and help, and ask and answer the tough questions , but.... you have to be willing to listen, help, and ask and answer the tough questions too. I won't do this on facebook though. I would rather not do it over the phone either. I want to see you, hear the inflection in your voice, see if it matches your body language. 

If I can't help, then I need to help you find someone who can.

Sadness is real.... we can, do, and should feel it. 

We can move it on its way after we feel it.

The problem comes when you won't try to get rid of it. 

So, please try and find your joy today, start your journey towards being able to feel frustration and sadness, and move it on its way. It will make a huge difference in your life.