I was re-reading some of my posts last night, and I stopped at the post that I talked about allowing ourselves grace.
I stopped....and I asked myself "How are you doing with that Kim?"
I think better overall, but I did realized a couple of things.
1. It is a constant process
2. I need a few strong, reliable people
So, it is a constant process. It is not a magical end where I'm showing myself grace perfectly and consistently. After all, there are people I have to show grace to on a daily basis. The people I have to show more grace to usually are the people who need it the most. These people(mostly students) have a lot of things going on. My students range in age from 10-14. Quite an important time in a persons' life. There are so many physical, mental, and emotional changes going on that if I can't extend some grace everyday, I should turn around and go home! I very often reflect on how I was during those years, and love my parents even that much more! Now, this doesn't mean that there are no consequences for poor behavior choices, because there needs to be. How else can we learn?
In some ways, I'm the same. I've thankfully made it through that part of my life and many more, but I still make mistakes, and even poor behavior choices. I try to eat more vegetables, but then that big messy burger calls and I have that instead of a salad. I do put lettuce on my burger and that counts right!?
All kidding aside, it's not about the food or even a "cheat" day, but about honoring my body and putting good fuel into it to get what I need out of it. When that burger calls, show some grace!
I will always want yummy messy food but as an occassional thing, not all the time.
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Assumptions
The word assumption means "a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof".
So, why believe everything you hear.... it may be an assumption. I'm tired of assumptions. Just ask. But therein lies the problem. We don't ask. This society is becoming a society where we don't have to talk face to face. Anything I put on social media can and will be construed as assumption.
Here's the thing though... if you ask me face to face, then you need to be ready for the answer. It'll be true, honest, and maybe hard to take. I will, however talk in that truth with love. I never intentionally mean to hurt feelings. Unfortunately too many people don't get that. Don't get how to speak truth in love, or learn to receive it.
This blog isn't meant to be cryptic or anything...so don't make assumptions! I have been starting to clean things off of my plate. I need to. I'm not the person I am striving to be. I need to take care of me, then take care of my husband. Many of you know the journey we have taken in the last few years. I feel like I am beginning(just beginning) to get a handle on me, but now I need to help him.
He's doing great, but there are still things he struggles with. Things that I do not have his permission to disclose on a public blog, and that's okay. Those of you who are closest to us know his struggles.
Please know that if I or we choose not to do something that we are upset with you. That's not the case. Please ask us. Please know that we may be asking some of you for some help on this journey. Especially those of you who have quietly stood by for so long. Please invite us over, and if we can't come know it's not because we are avoiding you or mad at you. Know that social situations can be difficult at times, and know that earlier stresses of the day also play a part in how we schedule.
So, why believe everything you hear.... it may be an assumption. I'm tired of assumptions. Just ask. But therein lies the problem. We don't ask. This society is becoming a society where we don't have to talk face to face. Anything I put on social media can and will be construed as assumption.
Here's the thing though... if you ask me face to face, then you need to be ready for the answer. It'll be true, honest, and maybe hard to take. I will, however talk in that truth with love. I never intentionally mean to hurt feelings. Unfortunately too many people don't get that. Don't get how to speak truth in love, or learn to receive it.
This blog isn't meant to be cryptic or anything...so don't make assumptions! I have been starting to clean things off of my plate. I need to. I'm not the person I am striving to be. I need to take care of me, then take care of my husband. Many of you know the journey we have taken in the last few years. I feel like I am beginning(just beginning) to get a handle on me, but now I need to help him.
He's doing great, but there are still things he struggles with. Things that I do not have his permission to disclose on a public blog, and that's okay. Those of you who are closest to us know his struggles.
Please know that if I or we choose not to do something that we are upset with you. That's not the case. Please ask us. Please know that we may be asking some of you for some help on this journey. Especially those of you who have quietly stood by for so long. Please invite us over, and if we can't come know it's not because we are avoiding you or mad at you. Know that social situations can be difficult at times, and know that earlier stresses of the day also play a part in how we schedule.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Set backs stink-maybe
Ever hear the phrase one step forward two steps back? That's how I've felt lately. I am having a very difficult time getting my mojo back. I haven't posted any #findyourjoy posts lately, and it's simply because I haven't been joyful. My mind is constantly consumed with negativity so therefore, my demeanor is negative. My cup is full of fear, anxiety, depression, and negativity. I've decided I need some help in this area, so I am taking some action.
First, I am going to evaluate all of the "things" I do and decide which really bring me joy and which don't. I'm going to truly look at those things and decide why I do them.... because I have to or think I have to, or because I want to.
Second, who do I really want to be for me, and not someone else. As a teacher, a wife, and a mom I have given(my kids are grown) or give a lot all of the time. It's time for me to take a little. Take what is good for me. I also need to be okay with being that selfish. That will be the hard part.
Third, figure out what I really want to do and where I want to be. As I look at the last part of my chosen career(I'm technically 7 years out, but will probably do 10), What next? What are my desires, aspirations, and goals? So I will be dreaming, and dreaming big. Nothing is out of my reach.
Fourth, I will be looking at my habits. I will be evaluating the goodness of those habits. I feel like social media(especially facebook) may need to go away for awhile. I am having difficulty seeing all of the negative posts and complaining about things. I also am having difficulty with seeing every one's positive posts about good things happening because it makes me think I cannot achieve true happiness. This is how I knew I needed to make a huge change.
I really admire people who have done this successfully.
I know some people are not going to be happy with some of the decisions I'm going to make, but I can't control them only me. I have to be so okay with me and my decisions and that it won't bother me to have some people upset.
Some of these things might be out of character for me, or what people think should be me, but it is completely necessary at this time in my life. I kind of chalk it up to a mid-life crisis, or better yet a mid-life realization. I know I write a lot about this and many of you are like.."alright Kim, then just do it." Here's why I couldn't. I wasn't making physical changes. I haven't taken anything off of my plate. I tried to change my mindset without changing anything physical and my brain caught up. Once that happened, I literally became sick. I hit the wall.
I have a few commitments to finish up, and then my re-evaluation will happen. These four things at the top of this post NEED to happen. Not all at once, but most likely in the order listed. If they don't happen in that order, it's okay, and if it takes me 50 years to complete, then that's okay too. I'll be 98 years old, and happy and content.
I hope I can teach someone else to do this as well.
First, I am going to evaluate all of the "things" I do and decide which really bring me joy and which don't. I'm going to truly look at those things and decide why I do them.... because I have to or think I have to, or because I want to.
Second, who do I really want to be for me, and not someone else. As a teacher, a wife, and a mom I have given(my kids are grown) or give a lot all of the time. It's time for me to take a little. Take what is good for me. I also need to be okay with being that selfish. That will be the hard part.
Third, figure out what I really want to do and where I want to be. As I look at the last part of my chosen career(I'm technically 7 years out, but will probably do 10), What next? What are my desires, aspirations, and goals? So I will be dreaming, and dreaming big. Nothing is out of my reach.
Fourth, I will be looking at my habits. I will be evaluating the goodness of those habits. I feel like social media(especially facebook) may need to go away for awhile. I am having difficulty seeing all of the negative posts and complaining about things. I also am having difficulty with seeing every one's positive posts about good things happening because it makes me think I cannot achieve true happiness. This is how I knew I needed to make a huge change.
I really admire people who have done this successfully.
I know some people are not going to be happy with some of the decisions I'm going to make, but I can't control them only me. I have to be so okay with me and my decisions and that it won't bother me to have some people upset.
Some of these things might be out of character for me, or what people think should be me, but it is completely necessary at this time in my life. I kind of chalk it up to a mid-life crisis, or better yet a mid-life realization. I know I write a lot about this and many of you are like.."alright Kim, then just do it." Here's why I couldn't. I wasn't making physical changes. I haven't taken anything off of my plate. I tried to change my mindset without changing anything physical and my brain caught up. Once that happened, I literally became sick. I hit the wall.
I have a few commitments to finish up, and then my re-evaluation will happen. These four things at the top of this post NEED to happen. Not all at once, but most likely in the order listed. If they don't happen in that order, it's okay, and if it takes me 50 years to complete, then that's okay too. I'll be 98 years old, and happy and content.
I hope I can teach someone else to do this as well.
Saturday, February 2, 2019
UP-date
So, today I was able to get down onto my yoga mat! It felt so nice. I spent time just sitting, breathing, and stretching. I also had some time to think about how I am doing with showing myself grace. I must admit, not very well. I have had quite a few times in the last few weeks since returning to work and the musical where I have beat myself up about not being able to "perform" the way I think I should or I think others think I should. I'm tired, I'm a bit short tempered, and I don't like it.
While sitting and listening to a meditation on insight timer, the one I picked(totally at random), it really resonated with me. It has been what I have been struggling.....THE PAST!
I need to embrace my new normal, my new life and go forward leaving the past behind.
It's like when the kids both left for college and Mark and I were empty-nesters. We missed the kids, but we knew we had raised them to spread their wings and fly from the nest. We settled in nicely totally being able to re-connect. Then our chaos started with my cancer.
I feel like I am standing at another crossroads of sorts. I don't need to "re-invent" myself, I need to sit, listen, and discover who I am now. I'm still Kim, but now I'm not the Kim who has teenage kids, I'm not the Kim that hasn't faced cancer, chemo and radiation. I'm not the Kim who has had a husband who suffered a stroke. I'm not the Kim who is the sole income earner of the house currently. A lot of this makes me angry, but I'm moving forward. There are exciting things that are going to happen in my life. A lot of good things that are going to happen. I need to just be in the moment so I don't miss them.
So....how am I doing showing myself grace? I'm getting there, getting there one day at a time.
While sitting and listening to a meditation on insight timer, the one I picked(totally at random), it really resonated with me. It has been what I have been struggling.....THE PAST!
I need to embrace my new normal, my new life and go forward leaving the past behind.
It's like when the kids both left for college and Mark and I were empty-nesters. We missed the kids, but we knew we had raised them to spread their wings and fly from the nest. We settled in nicely totally being able to re-connect. Then our chaos started with my cancer.
I feel like I am standing at another crossroads of sorts. I don't need to "re-invent" myself, I need to sit, listen, and discover who I am now. I'm still Kim, but now I'm not the Kim who has teenage kids, I'm not the Kim that hasn't faced cancer, chemo and radiation. I'm not the Kim who has had a husband who suffered a stroke. I'm not the Kim who is the sole income earner of the house currently. A lot of this makes me angry, but I'm moving forward. There are exciting things that are going to happen in my life. A lot of good things that are going to happen. I need to just be in the moment so I don't miss them.
So....how am I doing showing myself grace? I'm getting there, getting there one day at a time.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Getting back to normal
I'm heading back to work on Tuesday! I'm feeling ready physically and mentally. I know I have to take it easy, and I will. I'm getting bored at home and I think I'm beginning to cramp Mark's style!
I feel like this time at home recovering from my hysterectomy has provided a few things for me.
First, this has been the hardest surgical recovery I've ever had, but last night Mark said to me that he thought I have handled it the best out of any surgery I've recovered from. That made me so happy at the progress I've made within myself. So much of recoveries are not only physical, but mental as well. I've come a long way dealing with the emotional and mental aspect.
I haven't been able to begin practicing yoga fully, but the things I've learned from the short time I have been practicing is amazing. I truly believe this has helped in my recovery physically and mentally.
I learned to breathe. I learned how to stop..... concentrate on a slow, low deep breath...... I used this as I was feeling anxious about going into the surgical suite all the way to this morning(over 5 weeks later) just trying to start my day.
Breathing and concentrating on your breath is so helpful. I literally have been taken off of one of my two blood pressure medications since starting my yoga lessons! Many of the nurses I have encountered through this are amazed at my blood pressure given my history. Some have asked, and I tell them Yoga!
Physically, a hysterectomy(especially going through the abdominal wall) is tough. I have laproscopic incisions as well as a 6 inch incision on my abdomen. Now, I never had a 6 pack before, so having your abdominal muscles cut and having to heal is tough. I never really realized how important those muscles are on a daily basis....but I feel them now!! Yoga has helped me from the beginning of recovery just being able to maneuver without extreme pain. If it hurt, I stopped and breathed my way through it! After I saw my surgeon, she said I could begin a light practice when I felt ready. I have to strengthen my pelvic floor as a must after this surgery, and yoga is a great way to do that. I've been doing some light exercises laying flat in bed in the morning and evening. Soon, I will go back to yoga lessons. The beauty is... I can start with seated yoga poses, and work my way up to other poses from the floor and standing.
I love my yoga coach Danielle! I take from her privately once a week. She tailors my practice with her to how I am feeling and she is so intuitive and perceptive by just watching me to know what to do next.
If this is something you'd like to explore please contact me and I'll tell you more about her and her studio!
Anyway..... I'm here, I'm whole, I'm feeling better physically and mentally than I have in a long time, and I am ready to get back to my routine. I miss my colleagues, my students, and my job(which by the way is the best profession in the world!)
My cup is full of Joy, and even if someone knocks into it and it spills....JOY will spill out because I have a lot to be thankful for!
I feel like this time at home recovering from my hysterectomy has provided a few things for me.
First, this has been the hardest surgical recovery I've ever had, but last night Mark said to me that he thought I have handled it the best out of any surgery I've recovered from. That made me so happy at the progress I've made within myself. So much of recoveries are not only physical, but mental as well. I've come a long way dealing with the emotional and mental aspect.
I haven't been able to begin practicing yoga fully, but the things I've learned from the short time I have been practicing is amazing. I truly believe this has helped in my recovery physically and mentally.
I learned to breathe. I learned how to stop..... concentrate on a slow, low deep breath...... I used this as I was feeling anxious about going into the surgical suite all the way to this morning(over 5 weeks later) just trying to start my day.
Breathing and concentrating on your breath is so helpful. I literally have been taken off of one of my two blood pressure medications since starting my yoga lessons! Many of the nurses I have encountered through this are amazed at my blood pressure given my history. Some have asked, and I tell them Yoga!
Physically, a hysterectomy(especially going through the abdominal wall) is tough. I have laproscopic incisions as well as a 6 inch incision on my abdomen. Now, I never had a 6 pack before, so having your abdominal muscles cut and having to heal is tough. I never really realized how important those muscles are on a daily basis....but I feel them now!! Yoga has helped me from the beginning of recovery just being able to maneuver without extreme pain. If it hurt, I stopped and breathed my way through it! After I saw my surgeon, she said I could begin a light practice when I felt ready. I have to strengthen my pelvic floor as a must after this surgery, and yoga is a great way to do that. I've been doing some light exercises laying flat in bed in the morning and evening. Soon, I will go back to yoga lessons. The beauty is... I can start with seated yoga poses, and work my way up to other poses from the floor and standing.
I love my yoga coach Danielle! I take from her privately once a week. She tailors my practice with her to how I am feeling and she is so intuitive and perceptive by just watching me to know what to do next.
If this is something you'd like to explore please contact me and I'll tell you more about her and her studio!
Anyway..... I'm here, I'm whole, I'm feeling better physically and mentally than I have in a long time, and I am ready to get back to my routine. I miss my colleagues, my students, and my job(which by the way is the best profession in the world!)
My cup is full of Joy, and even if someone knocks into it and it spills....JOY will spill out because I have a lot to be thankful for!
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Grace
As an educator, I know, and fully believe that we need to meet students where they are. Yes, this is difficult in the age of mandated testing etc., but I can control what happens in my classroom. So, if this is something I fundamentally believe in, meeting people where they are, and walking along beside to help them become the best person they can, I have one question. Can I meet myself where I am? Can I really? Can I allow myself some grace?
We do so much for others, but do we exhibit the same to ourselves? I don't think I do as well as I should. If I'm focused on others, I don't have to be focused on myself. Looking at yourself is scary, the flaws, the "wish I would haves", the "wish I could haves"...... but we should be able to show ourselves a little grace and like ourselves.
A very interesting conversation with a wise person whom I admire deeply said to me yesterday... "Stop looking in the past, I don't, it would really depress me to look at the mistakes I made. Just know that those things in your past made you who you are today, learn from them and go forward. The things that have happened to you in the past 4 years are just a small part of your journey, they made you who you are. Learn and move forward."
How do we extend grace to ourselves? I'm not quite sure on this one, as I'm just learning it myself. I think prayer and meditation is a good start. Being able to feel all feelings good and bad. Remembering the good, acknowledging the bad and moving it on its way is a start. A start.... a daunting start maybe. I have some anger from the past 4 years and all that has happened in my life. I need to acknowledge it and send it on its way. I can't imagine what life will be like after I can accomplish that, but I know I won't be dwelling on the "why did this happen, and can this year be without crazy trauma?
So.... I embark on a journey, a journey of showing myself grace. I do a fairly good job of it with others, so why not try it on myself.
Join me.... show yourself some grace today. I'll be posting on my journey and things I'm doing to help me.
We do so much for others, but do we exhibit the same to ourselves? I don't think I do as well as I should. If I'm focused on others, I don't have to be focused on myself. Looking at yourself is scary, the flaws, the "wish I would haves", the "wish I could haves"...... but we should be able to show ourselves a little grace and like ourselves.
A very interesting conversation with a wise person whom I admire deeply said to me yesterday... "Stop looking in the past, I don't, it would really depress me to look at the mistakes I made. Just know that those things in your past made you who you are today, learn from them and go forward. The things that have happened to you in the past 4 years are just a small part of your journey, they made you who you are. Learn and move forward."
How do we extend grace to ourselves? I'm not quite sure on this one, as I'm just learning it myself. I think prayer and meditation is a good start. Being able to feel all feelings good and bad. Remembering the good, acknowledging the bad and moving it on its way is a start. A start.... a daunting start maybe. I have some anger from the past 4 years and all that has happened in my life. I need to acknowledge it and send it on its way. I can't imagine what life will be like after I can accomplish that, but I know I won't be dwelling on the "why did this happen, and can this year be without crazy trauma?
So.... I embark on a journey, a journey of showing myself grace. I do a fairly good job of it with others, so why not try it on myself.
Join me.... show yourself some grace today. I'll be posting on my journey and things I'm doing to help me.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Fear
Fear can paralyze a person, but if we face the fear, push it away, and replace it with something else like Joy, we can deal with it. That is where I am right now. Pushing the fear aside and finding my joy again. The joy deep within me where the fear was.
See, fear isn't a surface feeling. We can have a sudden surface fear like when we are in a haunted house and get scared by something. It's temporary. Deep fear is something that is always there looming in the background where it can pull and tug at you and in many cases other people have no idea that fear is there.
I'm exposing my fear, acknowledging it, sending it on its way, and replacing it with Joy.
See, my fear is this cancer and all it has brought to me will never be eradicated. It seems like I had a lot of complications at every turn. I know I am so much luckier than many, but this is a deep seeded fear. It caused a panic attack which was scary.
Yesterday I posted something that came to me through facebook. It was about spilling what was in your cup. You eventually will be in a situation where your full cup will spill. What is in your cup? Fear, anger, and resentment....or Joy, happiness, and love.
You can put into your cup what you want. It's YOUR cup! You don't always have control of what bumps into your cup and causes it to spill, but you do have control of what spills out.
So I am not filling my cup with fear....I'm going to fill it with Joy. Not an easy task but that is why we have God, friends, and family. They help us fill our cup.
What is your cup filled with?
See, fear isn't a surface feeling. We can have a sudden surface fear like when we are in a haunted house and get scared by something. It's temporary. Deep fear is something that is always there looming in the background where it can pull and tug at you and in many cases other people have no idea that fear is there.
I'm exposing my fear, acknowledging it, sending it on its way, and replacing it with Joy.
See, my fear is this cancer and all it has brought to me will never be eradicated. It seems like I had a lot of complications at every turn. I know I am so much luckier than many, but this is a deep seeded fear. It caused a panic attack which was scary.
Yesterday I posted something that came to me through facebook. It was about spilling what was in your cup. You eventually will be in a situation where your full cup will spill. What is in your cup? Fear, anger, and resentment....or Joy, happiness, and love.
You can put into your cup what you want. It's YOUR cup! You don't always have control of what bumps into your cup and causes it to spill, but you do have control of what spills out.
So I am not filling my cup with fear....I'm going to fill it with Joy. Not an easy task but that is why we have God, friends, and family. They help us fill our cup.
What is your cup filled with?
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