I had a hit the wall moment

Yesterday, I had a "hit the wall" moment. It was over a lot of things coming up. We have some events (that are still happening) that I'm uncomfortable with, and couple that with the school districts' meeting and creating re-opening plans..... I lost it yesterday. I cried....A LOT! 

It was a good release. I (unknowingly) had pent up these feelings of frustration and anger I have. I'm so tired of seeing people bash my profession on social media, bash what I believe is best for me and my husband right now, and just have lost respect for others.  People that have no idea of every individual's situation. I had had it. I had had it with being cordial, ignoring things on social media and the news, and had it with feeling physical soreness from not releasing my emotions. 

Mark was amazing. He just listened, let me cry, and held me. I finally felt safe, and could go on with my evening. 

 I write this not to gain pity, but to let you know that through all of that yesterday, I did find joy.

I found joy in the two individual video chats I did with 2 students taking summer school camp. They are going into 9th grade. We had amazing conversations about what they would like to do after High School, and what they need to do to get there. 

To the cynics- I am teaching. I am working every day. I'm teaching summer school, and making sure my curriculum (3 full curriculums, it would be 5 if my co-teacher and I didn't split things up) are ready to go online and in-person. I am paralleling my lessons to prepare for whatever happens. It looks different, but I am doing it. Both girls asked me what I thought would happen next year. I told them, I don't know. I also told them that I do know that the district is meeting, and working on many plans for many scenarios that follow the guidelines provided to them.  I told them that I have confidence that they will come up with plans that will take everyone in the buildings into account. I will be ready for whichever scenario happens. I will be nervous too. There are pluses and minuses to every scenario. I don't have control over much, but I do have control over being prepared for those scenarios. 

That's what I focus on today. What I have control over. I may lose some friends or have some family upset with me over this, but my biggest concern is myself, and Mark. That has to come first. 

What I will not do is publicly berate you for your choices, so don't berate me for mine. If you do, you may hear some things you don't want to, and possibly things I might regret saying. I am fragile after yesterday. I won't be this fragile forever.  Many are fragile right now, so just be careful. 

I should have taken care of myself a little better the last few days and I might not have hit that wall. Lesson learned. 

Take special care of yourself a little bit every day.

and

#Findyourjoy

Sadness

What do you do with sadness? 

We all have times we feel sad. How does it go away? When does it go away? Can we make it go away, or does it just take time?

These are a few things I have been pondering. 

Overall, I have not been sad. I have had fleeting moments of sadness wash over me, but I use some of the tools I have and it helps.

However, I have seen a few people on my social media platforms that are really struggling with sadness.

Sometimes I think it's more frustration at first, but then turns to sadness. 

I get some of the frustrations. I don't get them all though, because my situation is not the same as yours.

Even though our situations might be different, how we overcome the frustration or more particularly the sadness is the same.

Some of you are thinking......"oh boy, here she goes again with the #Findyourjoy thing" 

It's true though. When I didn't have that mindset, I was miserable about EVERY LITTLE THING. If the littlest thing happened and I didn't have the control, I was miserable or sad or frustrated.....

I can gauge when this shift happened by just reading my memories on Facebook. I have memories from 8-11 years ago that when I read them I think... "I'm glad I'm not that person today." but...if I wasn't that person, I wouldn't be who I am today. 

For example... many of my posts were about not sleeping well, being tired, being frustrated. They all worked together. I know why I wasn't sleeping. I was worrying. 

Do I have nights where I don't sleep well now? Of course. Most of those times are because of pain, but when I'm focused and get ahead of the pain, I do better. I need to focus on the things that are important. 

Can we make sadness go away? I say Yes. 

Will it take time? It can. I think that depends on what the sadness is based around and your mindset. 

Do we need help with getting past our sadness? Sometimes. Sometimes I can get past my sadness by shifting my focus to something els.  Sometimes I write, sometimes I sing or play piano, sometimes I pray or meditate, sometimes I need to talk to someone.

Most of the time, I truly need to find a joy. Any little joy will help me get started. 

Why did I write this post? am I sad? Sort of. I'm sad for what I am seeing on social media pages. I'm sad that people I know and care about are blankly posting things (out of their frustration I'm sure), that hurt others. 

Pushing your frustration and sadness onto others will not take it away from you. 

You still have to deal with it. 

I would be more than willing to listen, and help, and ask and answer the tough questions , but.... you have to be willing to listen, help, and ask and answer the tough questions too. I won't do this on facebook though. I would rather not do it over the phone either. I want to see you, hear the inflection in your voice, see if it matches your body language. 

If I can't help, then I need to help you find someone who can.

Sadness is real.... we can, do, and should feel it. 

We can move it on its way after we feel it.

The problem comes when you won't try to get rid of it. 

So, please try and find your joy today, start your journey towards being able to feel frustration and sadness, and move it on its way. It will make a huge difference in your life. 

Tough Conversations- Stereo-Typing

I feel like we are constantly stereo-typing those around us. We are not valuing people for their individuality. Let me explain. 

I am a complex person with many thoughts and ideas. I am still learning about myself and others. I do not know everything about everything, or anything about anything some days.

So...... it is not a good idea to say or think things like...

Just because she is a woman she believes.......

Just because she is a teacher she believes.......

Just because she is in this age demographic she believes.......

Just because she lives here she believes.......

Just because she....... and the list goes on.

See, I don't fit into a nice little neat package that a political party, or movement, or another person thinks I should fit into.

I am complex. We all are complex.

Please think for yourself. Do your research. A lot of research from multiple credible sources. Ask questions when you need to. 

And above all, don't think you know how a person is thinking or feeling without asking them. If they give you a quick answer and you need more information, seek it out. 

Be the complex person you were created to be. 

All the Feelings

It was weird. Today, as I was driving home from the grocery store. Nate and I had been  talking about how everyone we saw in Tops had a mask on. I was fine.... until I drove through town and saw a few people walking to stores with their masks on. This crazy rush came over me like I wanted to flat out cry. I was overwhelmingly sad for our new normal. 

We can't always be grounded and feel joy. There will be times that we have these feelings that creep up on us at crazy moments that just leave us in sadness or fear. 

It's what we do with those moments that is the key.

What do I do in those moments? Well, I have a couple of "tools" in my toolbox to combat those feelings so I don't stay in them too long. You've heard me use this saying before, "the only way out is through". I can't pretend the feelings are not there. I have to acknowledge them and move on. Here  are some of the tools I use in no particular order:

1. I blog. Getting my feelings down helps to release them. 

2. I listen to or play music. It helps me acknowledge the feelings I am having. I have been known to pick a song to play and sing, start the song, and just cry. I feel better afterward.

3. Cry or scream. Sometimes we just have to let it out. 

4. Restorative Yoga. I am in poses for an extended period of time. Then I just breathe. By concentrating on my breathing, it slows my heart rate, it regulates my breathing to an even, slow pace which helps me calm down.

5. Pray. Instead of writing my fears and worries down, I say them out loud. Hearing myself say them and give the to God, makes me feel like the burden of carrying those worries is given to someone who can handle them.

6. I talk to Mark. A lot of times he will repeat what I said to him, and when I hear what I said, I can process it better. 

Sometimes I do one of these, sometimes more than one. It depends on the situation. 

Today, I decided to write it down. I was completely surprised by the emotion that came over me, and writing this blog made me acknowledge the feeling, and realize the tools I have to regulate myself. 

Now it is time to find joy in this day. The sunshine and blue sky is a nice start!

#Findyourjoy

Humankind

I've learned a lot about humankind. I have loved seeing how people are creatively getting together and celebrating milestones. It has made people more thoughtful.

Then we have the other side. I have "snoozed" a few people on Facebook. Either they are so negative, and no amount of positivity is going to help them(so I pray for them instead), or they spout rhetoric with no good source to back it. See.... when I did my doctoral program, I learned really quick through all of the research I had to do that you can skew data pretty much any way you want to.

Therefore, I continue to being a learner. I have a lot of questions, about a lot of things happening right now, but I have to be smart about the literature I read regarding these things. I need to seek out credible sources. I need to seek out MANY sources so I can read them, ingest them, and be intelligent. I don't mind asking the tough questions, but I will not do it on Facebook. I want to have a face-to- face conversation(6 feet apart of course). I want to see your body language, really hear the infection and tone of your voice. 

When I ask my questions, please understand that I'm trying to gain more knowledge. It's because I have NO IDEA what it is like to be in your shoes. If I don't ask good questions to the correct people, then how am I suppose learn, grow, and make intelligent decisions on how I feel and will react to something? Do you want to learn something? Ask the right questions to the right people. Have a conversation first, not a debate or an argument. 

Once this is done, you may agree or not agree with someone's perspective, but at least you have done your OWN research. You've asked your own questions. 

I'm not a medical professional, but I have known and know quite a few of them in various situations. That, coupled with the vast amounts of medical professional I have seen through mine and Mark's health journeys puts me in a situation where I have a lot of research and opinions to draw from. I ask them what they think. I actually was at a well visit with my doctor the other day and I asked about my risk factor given my health conditions. I had already done some research on it, but wanted to hear it from a health care professional who knows me, and my situation. She said the cancer drug I am on is non-steroidal so therefore, my risk is lower. Some of the drugs they could have put me on would have put me at a higher risk.  From my research, that is what I surmised as well, but wanted to confirm. My asthma could put me at higher risk, but I have had it under control for quite a while so that is low risk too. My neuropathy.....well..... that is just a pain (literally!) but is a permanent effect of chemo. The meds for it do not comprise my immunity. I asked, and I received an answer I'm comfortable with. 

However, I will still be careful, I will still wear a mask, I will still maintain social distance. Even though I am good, I have others to consider. The first is Mark. I do not want to compromise him or his surgery(whenever that happens) He has a lot more medical things to consider. 

Don't get me wrong. We are not hermits, but we are careful. The whole restaurant thing, or any busy place is something we gave up a long time ago due to his stroke the after effects. He can't handle crowds and noise anyway. 

I also have to consider my parents. They are in the target age. I am their only daughter. If something happens, I don't have siblings to rely on. I do have wonderful cousins who are like siblings to me and would step in for me, but I still am careful.

I find joy right now in maintaining a safe environment for those I love. I clean, I make sure we have masks and sanitizer. I buy awesome smelling hand soaps and hand cream! It's what I can do. I don't live in fear, but I am not reckless either. It's a huge balancing act that we all need to do. We did it before Covid. It just looks a little different now, with more things to balance. We can do this though.....together.

#Findyourjoy

Mark

Being home has allowed me to really "see" into Mark's day. Since this started in March, and we had an April that was yucky, a May that was iffy, and a nice June weather-wise. I got to see first hand at Mark's daily struggles. How tired he is. How some days he can accomplish quite a bit, and the next day struggle to concentrate on anything. Thankfully, that is starting to subside. Those "off" days were due to seizures caused by the stroke. The doctors have just upped the seizure medication a bit, and we haven't seen any in 2 weeks!
This is good, because.... now Mark is having to go to Roswell for surgery. He had a big seizure in February. While in the emergency room they did a cat scan of his head and neck and found a lump in his thyroid. A few weeks later it was tested and was cancerous. The specialist at Roswell is fine with pushing surgery a little bit to see how things happen with covid. If he were to have surgery now, we would have to quarantine for 2 weeks, he'd have the covid test, if it's negative,  then have surgery, and possibly more quarantine. Mark lives for the summertime. It helps his mood. He can go outside, mow lawn, and he can go golfing with my dad. To take 3-4 weeks away of that, would be difficult. The doctor said it can wait, so we wait. I'm very thankful that the doctors understand all of what has happened to Mark physically, mentally, and emotionally. For as much as the seizure in February was horrible (for me... Mark remembers very little about it), The fact that he had a scan because of it, found the lump on his thyroid early. There's the joy.

There is Joy. I just have to look for it. It doesn't always reveal itself right away,  sometimes months later down the road, but I never stop looking, and either should you.

Time for Honesty

I haven't written here in quite a while. I have many posts ready to go, but I couldn't push the publish button. I needed to evaluate why.

Was it time to stop this blog?

Was it time for just a little break?

Was I not finding my joy so felt I couldn't or shouldn't write about it?


All three things crossed my mind many times. Then it hit me.....

How can I talk about finding my joy in this chaos without seeming like I'm gloating about the good things in my life when there are people suffering during this pandemic.

I was really hung up on this.

I'm a little hesitant to write this now, but feel like I've always been honest and I should be honest now.

I think I'm nervous because I may lose some readers from this. When you are sick(like I was with cancer) people take your honesty better because there is a sense of sorry for what the person is going through.
Well, I'm not sick. Am I facing some challenges?...Yes, but not the challenges some people are facing.

I feel content and ok with the last few months. I have learned a lot. A lot about myself, a lot about Mark's struggles, and a lot about humankind.

First, What I've learned about me.


I have always known how blessed I am. I have food, shelter, companionship, and feel safe. This pandemic has opened my eyes to continue to feel blessed, and to help others find blessings.
Teaching online was quite an experience, but it was ok. Sure, it's not ideal, but it was doable. I am an educator..... I teach.....I learn.  I had to learn how to navigate online learning. I had to re-create lessons to go online. To use the tools I had to engage students. Was I good at it? Not too bad. Do I have a lot to learn....YES! So, I learn. If I refuse to, then shame on me. I shouldn't be a teacher who stops learning but wants her kids to continue to learn.

I felt guilty about Mark receding his disability award during the pandemic. So many are hurting financially and we just received some breathing room.
See, we paired down when this happened. We had been caught up in the American ideal.... cable, cars, wifi, latest phones etc.
Then.... BAM down to one paycheck. We went down to one car, cut the cable(kept the wifi), went on a very strict budget. It was tight. I didn't want to re-finance the house because I have it almost paid off! I don't need all of the extras.
Still.... I did incur some credit card debt that was hard to chip at with our budget. Now I'm working at getting that gone, and we have some breathing room for emergencies. I still don't need the extras.

Being able to be content is the best thing ever. It doesn't mean to be lazy, but to be in a state of peaceful happiness. I am, most of the time, and when I'm not, I have beautiful friends and family to remind me to get there!




next....Mark. He has a lot going on.