Resolutions? Goals? or Intentions?

Goodbye 2019 and Hello 2020!

I have a lot to say goodbye to because 2019 was a hard year. I feel like I finally made some progress around October-December in truly finding my joy. Don't get me wrong, there were joys in the first part of the year, and A LOT of lessons learned.

What do you do for the start of a new year? Do you make a resolution? a goal? an intention? What is the difference?

Here are the textbook definitions of all three of those words:

Resolution-

the act of resolving or determining upon an action, course of action, method, procedure, etc.

Goal-

the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.

the terminal point in a race.

Intention- 

an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.

purpose or attitude toward the effect of one's actions or conduct

This year, I chose to work on intentions, and here's why.

A resolution by it's definition is to resolve or determine a course of action. I did do that, but to resolve sounds like something I did was wrong. I really didn't "do" anything wrong in 2019 that I need to "fix". I lived my life as best I could given each situation that was thrown at me. Could I have done some things differently? Sure, but I can't change those actions, only learn from them. I won't be put in those exact same circumstances again, so resolving to change them won't work for me.

A goal by its definition has a terminal end. My life is ever evolving, changing, and I'm constantly learning. My terminal end on this earth will be when I die, and I don't know when that will happen. So, until then, I live. I live the best life I can learning and growing. 

An intention (in my opinion) is the best choice for me. I spent a few hours yesterday reflecting on 2019 month by month. Looking at the highs and lows and getting a grip on the whole year. I then thanked 2019 for the lessons and blessings it gave me, and said goodbye to it. It is in the past, and now I'm setting my sights on some intentions for 2020 through the lessons and blessings from 2019.

I have thought about resolutions , goals, or intentions for every year, but what was always missing is looking back at the previous year, acknowledging it, and saying goodbye to it. 

That has been the most important piece to me. I can dwell on things I have done wishing I could get that time back and do it differently. The point is, I CAN'T, and I have to be okay with that. This year I am, and feel more than ready to look into 2020 with a clear mind, heart, body, and soul.

Whether you call them resolutions, goals, or intentions, spend some time looking backward and releasing 2019, and look forward to 2020 with hope, peace, love and especially Joy!

#Findyourjoy 

The Holidays are Here!

The Holidays are here......Now what?

I have found throughout this last few weeks, that having a plan, staying with that plan, and not over scheduling has me feeling okay about the next week. I am all set except for wrapping, but there really isn't a lot to wrap. I want to spend time with friends and family and that is way more important than tons of gifts.
Mark is doing well. He has been diagnosed with absence seizures and has started medication for it. The med makes him VERY tired, so we do a lot of just hanging out. For instance, last night, we had dinner, watched a Christmas movie with just the Christmas tree lights glowing, went in the hot tub, and went to bed at 9pm. It was perfect.

So..... during the chaos that might be your week, take time to stop, look around and find your joy. It's in the simple things.


Merry Christmas!

#Findyourjoy

Finding Your Joy through the Holidays- One day at a time

 I have been feeling busy, but I'm not really that busy. It's because I've been thinking about everything that is coming up (which isn't a whole lot) and getting anxious. Yikes! I need to take my own advice. I need to take one day at a time.
Everything is planned, it's on the calendar.
I have lists made and most of the things on my lists are even crossed off.

So I have things under control and just need to take one day at a time.

My good friend Deb and I were talking about this on our way to work this morning. She said to me" I've been feeling a little like that too, I think it's because our Christmases are looking a little different this year".
BINGO!

That was exactly it!

Our Christmas is very different this year than in past years. The day we have Higgins Christmas has changed, Paige and Jared won't be here for Christmas because it's in the middle of the week and their work schedules are colliding, Nate will be leaving on the 26th to house sit about an hour away, and well, things are just different.

It's really okay. I know I'll get to see everyone eventually, and Mark and I will be together.
I also worry about him through the holidays because of all of the changes, so there's that to think of.

We will make it, I just have to take one day at a time and not look too far ahead.

#Findyourjoy

Finding Your joy through the Holidays- One down, one to go

Well, we made it through Thanksgiving! It was a great day. We went to Paige's for dinner at noon. She and Jared hosted a beautiful dinner with all of the fixings. We left there and stopped in to see Mark's family at his brother Cory's. They had a lovely time as well. Then we headed home to watch the end of the Bills game!
Today, was my birthday. The weather didn't cooperate, but I had a spectacular day. Paige, Jared, Nate, my mom and dad, Mark and I all went to breakfast. Then I went to the Yoga studio where I was able to share a restorative yoga practice with a few friends.
About a year and a half ago, I began taking private yoga sessions with Danielle at Blue Sky Wellness in Springville. I have learned soooooo much about myself, my body, and how to use my breath to regulate many situations. I have completely come off of all of my blood pressure meds in the time I've been practicing, and I can do restorative yoga even with my neuropathy issues. I've had a few friends inquire about how yoga has helped me, so for my birthday I invited a few of them to try it. Most of them had not tried yoga before because they were too nervous and didn't know what to expect. We had a great time and I think I turned a few of them on to restorative yoga!

Tomorrow it's back to work for 15 school days. Most of my shopping is done, I have my meal plan and grocery shopping done for the week, and I'm ready to deal with the next holiday.

I love Christmas! It will look a little different this year as the kids plans are changing. So, we are going to do some new and different things this year and it's ok. Also, I need to make sure Mark is able to navigate the holiday with the changes. So, here we go.


#Findyourjoy

Finding Your Joy through the Holidays- Here we go!

The wind is howling, it's the night before Thanksgiving, and the Holidays are about to get into full swing.
How am I preparing? Well, not as well as Mark is.
See I wasn't the person I wanted to be these last two days and I'm not sure why. I was short-tempered,  very weepy, and angry with myself.
After my brief pity party last night, I simply stopped, looked at Mark and said "I need to snap out of this, I have so much to be Thankful for".

Tonight at yoga during meditation I began to think about the people in my life and as I would think about each one I would say to myself "I am thankful for you because....." and I would fill in the blank for the person I was thinking of.

Mark has a plan for the holidays. See after his stroke, he has a hard time in crowds and places where there is multiple conversations going on. He has a real hard time. His family Christmas is the hardest. There are over 30 people. We try to be one of the last people there, enjoy the time and leave when he needs to. If he has a problem, he knows the places he can go to get away. Past that, we keep things pretty quiet. I'm an only child, so our Christmas isn't as busy. It's my mom and dad, us, Nate, Paige and Jared.

Keep being thankful, make a plan, and do the things you enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving and #Findyourjoy

Finding Your joy through the Holidays- help others

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own worries(I know I do), that we forget about the fact that there are many people out there with far less than us.

I was watching CBS This Morning and there was a segment on about a restaurant that Jon Bon Jovi and his wife Dorthea started. There are no prices on the menu. There is a suggested donation of $20.00 per diner if you are able to pay that. If you can pay that, you have bought your dinner and the dinner of someone who couldn't. As you look through the room, you cannot tell who paid and who couldn't. Dorthea explained that it's because those that are hungry are not who you would necessarily think. It's not something you can "see". These are people who you sit next to in church, or families at school.
They also cooked using farm to table ingredients which helps the local community, and if patrons can't pay, they can volunteer to help in the kitchen. Maintaining one's dignity is huge!

This blew me away. Coming together as a community to lift each other up, and feed people. I would eat there in a minute.

Helping others, the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas!

#Findyourjoy

Finding Your Joy through the Holidays- keep writing them down

This time of year can be chaotic even when you try to slow it down. So, in that case I'm going to tell you again......

WRITE THOSE JOYS DOWN!

Find just one joy every single day, and write it down.

There are so many days I wake up, and think" Can I really get out of bed without pain? and That would make my day a good one". Then I get up, and I'm in pain. 

I could just moan and groan about it, but that wouldn't do any good. It's not going to change the fact that I have students who are counting on me, and colleagues that are counting on me as well. 

I can't control whether I wake up with a little or a lot of pain, but I can control my attitude. 

So, I write a joy down. 

I could write:

"I woke up today"

"I can fill my lungs with air"

" I can walk, many people cannot"

"I have my husband right next to me"

"I have children who love me"

" I have my friends who care about me"

" I have my community"

I could go on and on.

Writing them down makes them tangible and real.

So if the Holidays are getting you a little crazed....write down your joys. Make the commitment throughout the Holidays to do this.

#Findyourjoy

Finding Your Joy through the Holidays- expectations

I have been dealing with the expectations that I have for the Holidays.
For instance, how I move through the holidays really depends on how Mark is doing.
Today, he is having a bad day. He had a bad night of restless legs, and he is tired, and that affects him greatly. It increases his moments of "spells", and just makes it so we have to hunker down and stay home.
That's ok, but what it means is that we have to be flexible and plan accordingly.

Don't set your expectations for the Holidays so that if things don't happen that way you are disappointed. In fact, under plan instead of over plan. Pick the things that mean the most to you and do those.
Here's a list of possibilities of things to do that don't require advanced planning or firm commitment on your part:

Drive around looking at Christmas lights

Pop some popcorn and watch a favorite Christmas movie

Put on some Christmas music and sing and/or dance

Write a Christmas letter to someone you haven't seen in awhile

Read a Christmas Story

Cozy up in pajamas with hot chocolate and just look at your Christmas Tree



Maybe you will have to say no, or maybe to a few things, but that's ok. Your friends and family will understand.

Most of all, find the things that give you joy and keep your activities to those things.

#Findyourjoy

Finding your Joy through the Holidays- Breathe

This was not a good week. I haven't had the right mindset. I haven't been the person I want to be or should be. I need to stop and breathe.


In the hustle and bustle, things get out of hand. Our time, our money, our sense of how others are feeling, and our own feelings. They get wound up wound up wound up and then SNAP......


How do I combat this? Hopefully I realize it before the snap happens, but this week that wasn't the case. I extend grace and I stop and BREATHE.

We carry our breath everywhere with us, so you don't have to formally sit on your yoga mat and go through an hour session, you can stop for even one minute and breathe.

For one minute, sit still, breathe slowly, intentionally, fill your belly up and let it release. Control your breath so it is full, and even. Try to empty your mind. If you can't start counting your inhale and exhale. Make them the same length.

Just one minute of this will calm you, lower your blood pressure(I'm proof of that!), and help you move on with your day.


So breathe. #Findyourjoy

Finding Your Joy through the Holidays- one day at a time

Yes, my next 6 weeks are super busy, and yes I have my lists, but it is super important for me to remember to take ONE DAY AT A TIME!

It's my mantra for the next few weeks. I'll say it everyday....."Kim, stay in the present moment"

If I don't, I'll miss the beauty of the season. I have my lists, things won't be forgotten. I don't need to wonder and worry about them getting done.

Make your lists, but don't dwell on what is coming. Live in the moment. Stay in the present.
Make it your mantra. Write it where you can see it. Tell your community to help you remember this.
Then sit back, relax, and find your joy in this Holiday season.

#Findyourjoy

Finding Your Joy through the Holidays- Keeping lists

As I look at my calendar for the next two weeks, it looks a little daunting. I have a few meeting after school, a concert, two doctors appointments, the pie pick up, and we will be moving into our new music room and office. Whew! How will I be able to Find my Joy?

So, I have to stay organized. I also have to segment my life a little bit.
I have a school list at school. Those things can be done there. I also have a home list. That list entails a cleaning schedule, dinner menu etc. I also have a personal list. That includes this blog, my 30 hour course, and my Perfectly Posh business.

Having the lists, and checking things off as I complete them makes me feel like I can make it to Thanksgiving. Luckily Paige is hosting Thanksgiving and we are bringing pies which are Mark's specialty!

So..... keep lists and segment you're life. The things will get done, and if they don't, Oh well! extend yourself some grace!

Finding Your Joy through the Holidays

This will be multiple posts. Now that Veterans Day is here, things really start to ramp up for the Holidays.
This year, Thanksgiving is late so there are less weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
 How do we maintain our Joy through the busy Holidays?
I have a few ideas, so be watching for my posts!

Today, let's pause to honor our Veterans. Everyone knows someone who served or is currently serving.

We are able to freely celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas and every other holiday because we live in a country that allows us too. This was possible and is possible because of the service of so many unselfish men and women of the armed services.

So, let's start our holiday season out by pausing, and thanking a veteran. #Findyourjoy

Write them Down- Step #7

Step # 7 is to write your joys down! Everyday if you can.

It can be one quick joy on a scrap piece of paper, or a facebook post, or a twitter post, instagram post, or even a journal entry or blog entry. Just get it visible.


Seeing your joy in print makes it real. Keeping it where you can see it often helps when you are not feeling very joyful.

So.... get your joy in writing.

Grace- Step #6

Step #6 is extending grace to yourself and others.

This is actually a good day for me to be writing this. I need the reminder.
As I think about the day at school, I'm pretty sure I could have done better at this. I teach middle school and the honeymoon period is definitely OVER! It's at this point that I need to be able to extend grace more than ever.

How do you extend grace to yourself?

This is tough to do, and I struggle at it many times. What I can tell you though, is not only is it essential, but necessary if you want to be able to extend grace to others.
In order to extend grace to yourself, you need to be able to reflect. You need to be honest with yourself and your feelings and reflect on the day, week, month, year etc.
When I have felt like a failure at something....anything...I reflect. Did I even really have control over the situation? If I didn't, I extend grace. If I did, then it's time for me to get real with myself and look at what I could have done differently. If I need help in this process, I go to my people that can speak in love to me and ask for their help. Once I have determined what I could have done differently, I extend grace, and move on. Even if I'm never in that situation again, I have reconciled it within myself and let it go. If I am in that situation again, I do it differently, and reflect again.


How do you extend grace to others?

Basically you have to be right within yourself. You have to be able to look at their situation and determine if it was really "them" or a situation they are in. If they had no control over the situation and couldn't have done anything differently, extending grace needs to just happen. If you can't then you need to go back to looking to see if you are extending grace to yourself.

If that person had control over the situation, then you have two choices. If you are a person that can speak to them in love, you need to do it. Help them extend grace to themselves and you will extend grace to them at the same time. If you are not one of their people that can speak in love, you may need to leave the situation, and reflect on yourself to extend grace to yourself. It's always a good idea to extend grace to them, but remember you cannot control whether they choose to receive the grace that is extended.


How did my day go awry?

I teach middle school. enough said! no, seriously, it was a rough day in the middle school. I am the adult. They are trying to be adults and little kids all at the same time with raging hormones! I need to take time and mentally prepare everyday before stepping foot into the building. I need to extend myself some grace. Then I can look at my students and evaluate what is in their control and what is out of their control and how that is effecting them. That does not mean that all discipline goes out the window. There always needs to be accountability or we never learn.
Also, being the adult and a veteran teacher I know how to structure my classroom to try to avoid some things but that doesn't always work. Then grace is most certainly needed.

So, tomorrow is a new day. I have extended grace to myself for today, and will go to school tomorrow with a different mindset.


#Findyourjoy

Speak in Love

I talked a bit about this in the previous post, but, it's worth a post of its own.
When you are an encourager, make sure you are speaking in love.

What does it mean to speak in love?
well, it means that you are choosing your words mindfully and carefully so as to make the person you are speaking to know you are saying what you are saying because you truly care about them.

How do you do this?
Ultimately it is important that you already have a well established relationship with that person. They need to know that you really know them, are invested in them, and can speak truth to them.

When do I do this?
Whenever you see your friend struggling, or if they are speaking to you about not being able to find their joy. Sometimes, I flat out ask my "people" to help me.

When should I not say something?
Use your own judgement, because if you really have a good relationship with that person, you'll know how it will be received and if you are able to speak in love.

Think before you speak and develop real relationships with people so you can be that person for someone else and you'll have people to speak to you in love.

#Findyourjoy

How to be an encourager

Step #4 - Be an encourager to others

Doing this and doing it well is hard. You have to be able to set your own issues aside for the moment and invest in someone else. Sometimes this is easier than other times.

If you are having a particularly hard time finding joy yourself, it may be a good idea to not fully engage in helping someone else find their joy.
With that being said, helping someone find their joy when you are having difficulty can help you as well. Just don't let it become a situation where you are deflecting your joy.

How do we encourage others?
Well, first you need to develop relationships. Really knowing a person, and truly being interested in their journey is first. I have met many people over my journey. I don't know each one personally, but, I am invested in people finding their joy. I listen when they want to share, and I encourage them to find joy.
Those that I know more personally, I can really direct them toward situations I know they have in their life that bring them joy. Real deep level joy.

Second, you have to be in a place with that person where you can speak through love to them. If you can't, then don't. You run the risk of alienating them, and pushing them farther away from joy.

About 4 months ago, I was having a bad day. Mark was not having a good week, I was tired of his whole situation, it's affect on our marriage, and our finances. My dear friend of 20 years let me vent, and then put her hand on top of mine and said "I know you're frustrated, but I just want to remind you that it could have been very different that day Mark had his stroke".  I snapped right out of my pity party. My friend didn't find my joy, but reminded me that through my frustration, there was a joy present and I needed to concentrate on that instead. She knows me, she has walked through this journey along side of me. She was able to speak to me in a loving matter.

Lastly, walk your life in joy. Be real about it. If you are not joyful that day, be honest, but try to find joy.
Actions speak louder than words sometimes. I can't tell you how many times people say to me that they cannot believe I could be joyful with everything that has happened to me in the last 4 years. Let me tell you, my story does not compare to a lot of others' stories, but it is mine, and I know I can find joy. Simply living and walking that knowledge is bigger than any words I could ever speak.

So, Be an encourager, be you, be your story, and as always #Findyourjoy!

Find Your Community

#3 in the process is Find Your Community!

Today was a perfect day for this because I needed my community today. I was a little out of sorts and a little stuck for a joy because I had a bit on my plate.
Mark had a doctors appointment that was suppose to be yesterday. I took a day off of work to go with him. Just as we were headed out the door, they called and had to cancel. They re-scheduled for next week, then called two hours later and scheduled for today. I wasn't going to go as there were some meetings I needed to be at, but as the day went on, Mark became more anxious about me not going. So.... I ended up taking a half day and going with him.
It all worked out because:
1. he was suppose to see a nurse practitioner, but ended up seeing the head doctor of the neurology department.
2. My important meeting was canceled this morning so I didn't miss it anyway



Today, I needed my community, so......
I reached out to my community to let them know how I was feeling, and I received many quick messages back that made me feel a whole lot better, and that I had my community behind me.

Find your community. Those people who have your back. Those people who you can reach out to for that encouragement when you need it. Those people who can remind you where your joy might be. Remember only YOU can find it, but sometimes we all need a little help with the directions!
Your work, your church, your civic group, this group of people who read the blog, they can all become part of your community.

Here is my Joy challenge card! I still have to write it down too!

#Findyourjoy

Tell Your Story

Step #2 is to tell your story.

I chose to tell my story out loud and in writing. Either way is fine, but you need to get it out from inside of you.

For a long time, I told my story in a journal I only saw. Then I decided to tell my story in a blog in the hopes that someone might need to hear it so they knew they were not alone. Then it led to being able to share my story with single people in different situations, and to 175 women last weekend!

First, telling your story is very therapeutic. You do not feel so alone and you would be surprised at how many people are dealing with the same or similar things. This will help build your community.

Second, getting your story out there in print or verbally makes it more tangible.  What I mean by that is, yes, you are feeling every pain associated with the story, but now, having it in print or telling one or many people makes it real and tangible which makes it easier to start to deal with.

Many of us suppress feelings. Feelings that have to do with our story. When we suppress those, we try to not deal with them. When they are out there, we are almost forced to deal with them, and that is a good thing.
I have said many times that the only way out is through.
In order to go through the situation and move forward, we need to see and hear the story, not just feel it.

Third, once we have our story out there, and we begin to see, hear, and feel it, then we can begin to see, hear, and eventually feel Joy again.

Start with writing your story and feelings down. Then move to writing one joy down. It can be anything.... something you see(a robin, a beautiful sun, a tree), something you hear(a bird chirping, your dog snoring, the neighborhood kids playing and laughing), then move to feeling joy.

It takes time. Joy can be stripped away from us in an instant, but getting it back is possible.

Tell your story, and keep looking for Joy in the things around you.

#Findyourjoy

Only YOU can find your joy

So, I thought I would take the 7 points I made and expand on them one at a time.

#1. Only YOU can find your joy


What do I mean by that?
Well, you are in complete control over whether you choose to find joy and live in it or not. No one can take that from you.

Every morning we have a choice. Are we going to fill our vessel with anger and resentment? or are we going to fill it with Hope, Love, Peace, and Joy?

Is this easy? not always but it is our choice.
You either decide you are going to look for and find your joy, or you don't.

You may need help to recognize the joys you may be missing, but ultimately it is your choice to find it and claim it.

Just like no one can find your joy....no one can take it away either. No one can tell you what to feel or how to feel.

Don't judge the joy you found. Don't wonder "Is this really a joy?", " Is it a big enough joy?", "What if others think this is a silly joy?"
Who cares!? It's YOUR joy!!!

Find it, own it, and live it! YOU have the choice....EVERYDAY!


#Findyourjoy

Women's Conference

Wow, Wow, Wow! What a magnificent day! i had the awesome privilege to speak at the Crosstown Alliance Church's Women's Conference today. There were 175 ladies who came together for a morning of fellowship, worship, brunch, crafting, all centered around joy! The stories I heard today of ladies who had lost and found their joy inspired me to keep this journey going. My community is expanding. Expanding by 174 today. I'm humbled, I'm in awe, and I am truly blessed.


1. Only YOU can find your joy
2. Tell your story- say it out loud
3.  Find your community
4.  Be an encourager to others
5. Speak in love when people need encouragement
6. Extend Grace to yourself and others
7. Write your joys down EVERYDAY!



Thank you to those who listened today, and thank you to those who have reached out on social media to me. Meeting you, speaking to you, and expanding my community because of you, is my joy today!



#Findyourjoy

T-2

Two days until the Find Your Joy Conference! I still can't believe that I get to speak to 175 ladies about my journey and finding your joy. I'm so excited and ready! I'm a little nervous, but nervous excited. Paige actually looked at my outline the other night and texted me. She said "I'm proud of you mom". It was one of the sweetest things ever. She wasn't going to be there, but now she is. I'm so happy she'll be there along with some friends from school, and my bible study ladies. I'm so blessed!

So I'm breathing in and out in and out!!!!

#Findyourjoy

Two Weeks

In two weeks, I will have the distinct pleasure to speak to over 100 ladies about #Findyourjoy! I am so humbled and honored to be asked to do this. My journey to find and keep my joy is not over by any means whatsoever, but I have been making great strides lately.

Here's a few of the things I've let go of or taken on:

1. I am no longer playing for church on a regular basis.(This was a hard one for me, but I do get asked to play or lead worship other places occasionally and I love that!)

2. I am not going to produce the High School Musical. Brooke and Victoria are amazing and totally have it covered. I want to focus on the Middle School kids as they are the feeder for the High School program.

3. I did not run for NYSSMA zone rep. After I wrote down the positives and negatives I decided now wasn't the time and I feel good about the decision.

4. I have taken on one Homework Help shift a week. It's Monday's, it's an hour, and it's for the 5th grade. I love that I get to spend some time with the new students in our building in a smaller setting.

5. I have decided to help out with the Middle School Musical. Lou was in a position where his two assistants both needed to "bow"(haha get it!) out this year due to their expanding families and new babies! I have to teach music.  I Love that! I also know the kids, I can help get kids to audition, and help promote the musical program, and feed the HS program.

6. I took on a side gig as a Perfectly Posh influencer. I love the product, and was recently re-introduced to it. When I went through chemo and radiation, I received a perfectly Posh Big Fat Yummy hand creme as a gift.  I loved it! Now, I'm going to sell it. Who doesn't like to feel pampered? It certainly helps me Find my joy! Besides, Mark can help me with it, it gives us a little side income to make up for Mark's long-term disability being halted (temporarily *see below), and it's a lot of fun!




I'm so excited to be talking about Joy and my continued Journey, so please send me prayers, good vibes as I speak in two weeks. If something more comes from it, great, if that's the only time I speak about it, that's fine too. I know someone will be there that needs to hear my message and that's all that matters.



* Mark has a Permanent Disability hearing date of January 27, 2020. It only took 18 months instead of 24 months! Start praying now for him. He's a little nervous.

Thanks for reading and being part of my community!

#Findyourjoy

Update and Family is everything

Sorry I have been a bit absent lately. There have been a few things happening! First, school started and that first full week kicked my butt! It is great to be back at school and back to a routine, but I need to get acclimated to the routine!
I had nothing planned for this weekend except getting caught up on a few things at home, my talk for the women's conference, and start the presentation for the conference my colleagues and I are presenting at in late October. Well, that all took a back seat when Paige called. She was in a cast with a ruptured or partially ruptured achilles tendon. There will be an MRI this coming week to determine if surgery will need to be done. No weight bearing on it. Needless to say,Paige was beside herself. She drives a standard, Roberts is 2 weeks from homecoming (which is a huge weekend for her department), and her hubby started his new second job this weekend.
So.... nothing is more important than family, so Mark and I went to Rochester with Nate's car (which is automatic) so she can drive and returned with her car for Nate to drive(he loves driving standard so he's excited!). We got her a knee scooter so she can get around better, I took her shopping, and made 7 crockpot freezer meals for her and Jared. We also meal-prepped her lunches for the week, and Mark cleaned the house.
Nate took care of things here for us so we could go.

It's all about family....those bound together through blood and those that are not.

Find your family and stay close, help them when they need it. You'll find joy, never be alone, and feel completely at peace.

#Findyourjoy

Morning Thoughts and Flea Market Flip

I had a terrible night sleeping last night. So, I got up early, put my yoga mat outside on the deck, and sat. I stretched, I let the sun shine on my face, and I listened to the birds. It was a great way to start my morning. Now I'm having a yummy cup of coffee and watching Flea Market Flip, and it got me thinking....
They take old pieces of "whatever" and turn it into beautiful furniture. If old antiques can be made new....then so can I.

It takes vision, patience, and then hard work to transform these pieces into the beauties that sell for sometimes hundreds above what they spent on them.
Vision, patience, and hard work.
VISION, PATIENCE, AND HARD WORK!

Kind of where I am at this morning.

I have a vision...... I know who I want to be and where I want to be

Patience........ this is where I struggle(it takes time to execute the vision)

Hard Work........this can also be hard, as some days I'm just plain tired physically and mentally

So I move forward, a little each day and keep executing the plan

In the meantime, I am that beautiful piece at the end, she's inside of me waiting to be fully realized for everyone to see!

#Findyourjoy

Is your joy lost?

What do you do if you can't find your joy? What if you look everywhere, and simply cannot find joy in anything or in any current situation?
Well first, don't sit there and decide that since you can't see it then it must not exist.
You need to start small. Your joy may have left you in an instant like I perceive that mine did (through those three words"You have cancer"), but really my joy was just hidden and I allowed it to stay that way. That's why it took me so long to realize and find it.

So, over time my joy diminished. With every thing that seemed like a huge burden or problem, the joy diminished. Therefore, I wouldn't expect that it would simply "pop" back up and shine brightly. It took time. It's constant work.
It's easy to simply say to yourself "there's nothing joyful about today", especially if you aren't willing to do some work.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Find your community of people.  I found mine on Facebook, at my church, at school, at the yoga studio, and even through this blog. I am not best friends with all of these people, but we all have something in common, struggles and finding our joy. Reach out to these people when you need them.

2. Don't be a "downer", but don't be fake either.  The only way out is through. Be honest. Be honest with yourself and others. If you are seriously without joy ALL of the time, this community may only be part of what you need. Humble yourself and seek some professional help. It's ok.

3. Even the little things count. Little steps to finding your joy are better than no steps at all. I constantly go back to the day I was having a pity party for myself during chemo. I was crying about feeling yucky, and wanting my hair back. Mark said to me " I'm sorry you don't feel good, your hair will grow back after chemo, and I'm giving you 10 minutes to cry then you need to get up a take a shower. If that's all you do today, it's better than doing nothing."  That may seem harsh, but it was just what I needed. Also, Mark said it in love, not because he was sick of my whining. There's a difference. After taking that shower (which was really hard because I felt awful), I realized that not having hair sped up the showering process, and I actually felt better being clean, warm and in new pajamas!  That was my joy for the day.

4. Write it down. When I am having a particularly hard day, I look back on my blog. Is my life easier? some would think yes, some would think no. Yes, I have some things to deal with, but I don't have cancer. Yes,  I have permanent neuropathy from that cancer, but I can still play piano most days, and I can teach school which is a huge joy for me. Am I the only source of income for our family? Yes, but I've become a lot better at budgeting, Mark doesn't have to worry and can concentrate on the things he needs to deal with, and most importantly he's still here with me.


I hope you can all find your joy today. I did, I'm enjoying a good cup of coffee, writing this blog, and have very window in the house open to hear, smell, feel and see a beautiful day!

A bad week and an announcement

What do you do when you are having a bad week? For me? I can very easily turn a bad day into a bad week or a bad month if I'm not careful.
We are all allowed to have bad days.....it's what we do with those bad days and the days after it that really is the key to maintaining your joy.
This week was particularly hard for me. Mark has had another bout of gout. He has had two bouts of it and a round of kidney stones all in 4 months. He has two doctor's appointments coming up, so I'm thinking he'll be having some medication adjustments. We already have altered his diet to prevent uric acid build-up. When Mark has these things happen EVERYTHING comes to a halt for him and I have to pick up the slack. It was the last week of summer school, and I frankly didn't want to do that. Plus my neuropathy was acting up a little. So.... I had a little pity party for myself and had some trouble finding my joy.
What did I do? Put it out there to my community of friends. To the community that tells me how they love to see my #Findyourjoy and the stories I tell. My friend Charity reminded me in that post that as women we tend to not be transparent and that most of the time we just say "everything is fine", when it really isn't.
Don't isolate yourself in your struggles, it only makes you go deeper into them and then you have further to crawl out of the pit. Find your community, and work alongside of them to find your joy. Also, be prepared to do the same for them. You'll be amazed at how helping someone realize the joy they all along had inside them makes your joy shine even brighter.

So...... now my crazy announcement. I have been asked to do two speaking engagements about my journey and #Findyourjoy. The first one is a definite this Fall, and the other is still in the works for the Spring. I am totally blessed and humbled that my journey would be a topic that could help others. I'm steadily working on the specifics of the talk, and may through this opportunity have some other things in the works.
When I have more on the engagements I'll let you know, but for now, I'm doing much better this week thanks to all of you, and I'm spending the last three weeks of vacation enjoying this glorious weather, doing some things with Mark, and thoughtfully preparing for the Fall!

#Findyourjoy

August 1

Wow, it's August 1st! I'm not going to say the typical "oh, it's August 1st and summer is half way over, it went so fast!" I feel like summer is not going fast, nor is it going slow. I'm half-way through the summer of Kim. It's going well. I've had a neuropathy flare-up this week, so the movement part is not going so well, but I'm not beating myself up about it either. Today, I feel better and I will move. I've been planning and cooking more this last week, and our meals have been healthier so I'm making progress there too. Now to implement the last part....... simplifying.
I have simplified my life. I am not doing something unless it brings me joy. Now to simplify my home.
Summer school ends next week, and I have 3 weeks before the regular school year starts so I am on a mission to clear out some stuff in the house. Stuff brings chaos and chaos is not good for the summer of Kim so simple is what will happen.  That way I'll know what I have, be able to find it, and be able to keep my house clean with a schedule.

Working slowly, consistently, and with the intent to make my life better.


#findyourjoy

Summer of Me update

So, the summer of me is going quite well. That's why I have been a little absent on social media. Anyway, my goal of "moving" everyday is going well. Are there some days it is very painful to move? Yes! But, I'm moving.
After going to Pittsburgh to visit some dear friends of ours, I decided it was time to start phase two of the summer of Kim- NUTRITION
Our friends are very conscious of what they eat, but it is all so delicious. I just ate, and watched, and thought. Now, we ate very healthy, but we also had cheesecake. MODERATION people!!!
So... I am being more purposeful with my choices and portions. Did I have an ice cream sandwich last night? Why yes I did! and that's ok!

Well, summer school is about to begin, it's day 4 and things are going alright.

Also, some other exciting things are in the works...but I need to finalize some things first, so look for some big announcements from the summer of Kim!


#Findyourjoy

End of the school year

So, the end of the school year is upon us. I'm finishing my 23rd year at Pioneer and 27th year overall. I can't even believe that. So, as I look back at this year, I have two thoughts.
1. I learned a lot about myself
2. It was by far the hardest year I have had

These two things really go hand in hand.
I know some of you are thinking that the year I had cancer certainly must have been harder than this last one. The beginning of that year was, but the last half of the year I was home, concentrating on chemo and radiation, and not having to worry about school.

This year, I had a surgery I wasn't intending on having, complications with that surgery, all while dealing with Mark and his things going on. He had a rough winter, and his long term disability was stopped. We are still at least 14 months out from his permanent disability hearing. All of this and dealing with school.

Dealing  was hard, really hard. Many days I felt helpless, wanted to throw in the towel and just cry.

I'm thankful to have Mark here..... it could have been a very different scenario that day. But.... his life changed that day, really changed, and so did mine. He's the same Mark, but not the same Mark. People try to tell me how good he is doing (and he is), but they don't see his private frustration. People all the time try to tell me how he must be feeling but they don't really know. They don't live with him.

We just celebrated our 29th wedding Anniversary over the weekend. I've known Mark for 33 years. I love him more today than yesterday and will love him more tomorrow than today.
We will weather this storm together, day by day.

I've learned that I can do this. I can feel all of these feelings. I can feel happy and content one day, and frustrated and sad the next. I can be super mad at the system, and I can be grateful for having a job that can support us both. I can feel lonely, and I can feel surrounded by friends. I can be content with less "things" or not being able to do the things we used to because Mark can't handle the situation.

I can... and I will..... One day at a time.... it's my only choice.

Purpose

I often think about what my purpose is.  I have(over my lifetime) assumed many roles.  These roles have come and gone, overlapped with one another only to possibly transect each other again and a different point in my life. These roles have defined my purpose. That too has changed with the ever weaving tapestry of my roles.

So, these roles, what have they been or what are they now?  Well, currently I think some of my roles are: wife, mom to adult children, daughter, friend, and teacher.

Wife- Merriam-Webster defines wife as a woman acting in a specified capacity. That "specified capacity" changes too. I'm a partner, a listener, a care-giver, and a confidant.  

Mom(to adult children)- I've been this for awhile now. I like it.

Daughter- I'm fortunate to be able to live in the same town as my parents. I see them every Saturday for breakfast. There is stability and consistency there. I need that.

Friend- I have always struggled with this one. See, I don't think I'm a great friend. I'm nice and all, but I'm not one to go out with the girls or call, or make sure I connect. That's a problem. 

Teacher- This takes up the majority of my time. I want to be a good teacher right up to the day I retire. Teaching is not only a physical job, but an emotional one as well. If you allow yourself to receive the "heart pay" teaching provides, then you have to give that heart into teaching. This whole teaching thing can be exhausting. I need to remember to re-charge.


So .... what is my purpose? Not an easy question to answer. I guess my purpose is to live in these roles which are a part of my life and who I am right now, and to do it with grace. Grace to those I meet, those who are the other halves of these roles, and most importantly me. 

Be kind and graceful to me.

Be kind and graceful to those you meet.

#Findyourjoy

A good reminder

I was going back through some of my instagram posts and found one on the first day of this school year. I was optimistic,  excited, and at the end reminded everyone of how blessed I am to be teaching for so many years, loving the students I teach, and how fortunate I am to work in the district I do.
It's amazing how the everyday of work and life can cloud us from those feelings. How the end of the school year can creep up on us, and how the stress seems so real and justified.  It's not.  Why is the end of the year any different from the beginning? If it is....it's my fault.  My attitude changed somewhere along the way.  I am very thankful for the time of rest and relaxation that is coming, but I can decide how my attitude will be getting to the end of the year.
I do need to remember that when the students get antsy and stressed, it's usually due to stress they have put on them.  I don't want to contribute to that. Many of my students don't want to be home for the summer. They won't see their friends, some won't have a good breakfast and lunch that they would get at school. 
So.... I need to remember to check my attitude when feeling stressed at the end of the school year. If my attitude is checked, then I will be in a better spot to help my students deal with the end of the year.

Speaking and Knowing

I had a few encounters this week. I have been a very fragile soul, and therefore, when people spoke to me this week, I felt every bit of what they were saying and how they said it.
It was how they said it that ultimately broke me and made me realize something.
I know if people are saying things to me through love or not.
It made me realize who truly has my best interest in mind and who is only here to serve themselves.
So, I began thinking.... I need to be more mindful of how I speak. Am I speaking from a place of love? or Am I speaking from a place of jealousy, anger, resentment, or greed?

Also, I realized that it's okay that there are people  who will never serve what's best for you. I may still have to be around them.
Also, I don't need a lot of friends, just real friends.
Friends who speak to me from a place of love.
Friends who have my best interest in mind.
Friends who can from a place of love say the hard things to me when I need to hear them.
Friends, who when they speak to me this way, are patient with me as I work through what was said.

I do have those friends, and it makes me happy.

I hope I can be that kind of friend back.

Back to the grace thing

I was re-reading some of my posts last night, and I stopped at the post that I talked about allowing ourselves grace.
I stopped....and I asked myself "How are you doing with that Kim?"
I think better overall, but I did realized a couple of things.
1. It is a constant process
2. I need a few strong, reliable people

So, it is a constant process. It is not a magical end where I'm showing myself grace perfectly and consistently. After all, there are people I have to show grace to on a daily basis. The people I have to show more grace to usually are the people who need it the most. These people(mostly students) have a lot of things going on. My students range in age from 10-14. Quite an important time in a persons' life. There are so many physical, mental, and emotional changes going on that if I can't extend some grace everyday, I should turn around and go home! I very often reflect on how I was during those years, and love my parents even that much more! Now, this doesn't mean that there are no consequences for poor behavior choices, because there needs to be. How else can we learn?

In some ways, I'm the same. I've thankfully made it through that part of my life and many more, but I still make mistakes, and even poor behavior choices. I try to eat more vegetables, but then that big messy burger calls and I have that instead of a salad. I do put lettuce on my burger and that counts right!?
All kidding aside, it's not about the food or even a "cheat" day, but about honoring my body and putting good fuel into it to get what I need out of it. When that burger calls, show some grace!
I will always want yummy messy food but as an occassional thing, not all the time.

Assumptions

The word assumption means "a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof".

So, why believe everything you hear.... it may be an assumption.  I'm tired of assumptions.  Just ask. But therein lies the problem.  We don't ask. This society is becoming a society where we don't have to talk face to face. Anything I put on social media can and will be construed as assumption.
Here's the thing though... if you ask me face to face, then you need to be ready for the answer.  It'll be true, honest, and maybe hard to take.  I will, however talk in that truth with love. I never intentionally mean to hurt  feelings. Unfortunately too many people don't get that. Don't get how to speak truth in love, or learn to receive it.

This blog isn't meant to be cryptic or anything...so don't make assumptions! I have been starting to clean things off of my plate. I need to. I'm not the person I am striving to be.  I need to take care of me, then take care of my husband.  Many of you know the journey we have taken in the last few years. I feel like I am beginning(just beginning) to get a handle on me, but now I need to help him.
He's doing great, but there are still things he struggles with. Things that I do not have his permission to disclose on a public blog, and that's okay. Those of you who are closest to us know his struggles.

Please know that if I or we choose not to do something that we are upset with you. That's not the case. Please ask us.  Please know that we may be asking some of you for some help on this journey. Especially those of you who have quietly stood by for so long.  Please invite us over, and if we can't come know it's not because we are avoiding you or mad at you. Know that social situations can be difficult at times, and know that earlier stresses of the day also play a part in how we schedule.

Set backs stink-maybe

Ever hear the phrase one step forward two steps back?  That's how I've felt lately. I am having a very difficult time getting my mojo back.  I haven't posted any #findyourjoy posts lately, and it's simply because I haven't been joyful.  My mind is constantly consumed with negativity so therefore, my demeanor is negative. My cup is full of fear, anxiety, depression, and negativity. I've decided I need some help in this area, so I am taking some action.

First, I am going to evaluate all of the "things" I do and decide which really bring me joy and which don't.  I'm going to truly look at those things and decide why I do them.... because I have to or think I have to, or because I want to.

Second, who do I really want to be for me, and  not someone else. As a teacher, a wife, and a mom I have given(my kids are grown) or give a lot all of the time.  It's time for me to take a little. Take what is good for me. I also need to be okay with being that selfish. That will be the hard part.

Third, figure out what I really want to do and where I want to be. As I look at the last part of my chosen career(I'm technically 7 years out, but will probably do 10), What next? What are my desires, aspirations, and goals? So I will be dreaming, and dreaming big. Nothing is out of my reach.

Fourth, I will be looking at my habits.  I will be evaluating the goodness of those habits. I feel like social media(especially facebook) may need to go away for awhile. I am having difficulty seeing all of the negative posts and complaining about things. I also am having difficulty with seeing every one's positive posts about good things happening because it makes me think I cannot achieve true happiness.  This is how I knew I needed to make a huge change.

I really admire people who have done this successfully.
I know some people are not going to be happy with some of the decisions I'm going to make, but I can't control them only me. I have to be so okay with me and my decisions and that it won't bother me to have some people upset.

Some of these things might be out of character for me, or what people think should be me, but it is completely necessary at this time in my life. I kind of chalk it up to a mid-life crisis, or better yet a mid-life realization. I know I write a lot about this and many of you are like.."alright Kim, then just do it."  Here's why I couldn't. I wasn't making physical changes. I haven't taken anything off of my plate. I tried to change my mindset without changing anything physical and my brain caught up.  Once that happened, I literally became sick. I hit the wall.
I have a few commitments to finish up, and then my re-evaluation will happen. These four things at the top of this post NEED to happen. Not all at once, but most likely in the order listed. If they don't happen in that order, it's okay, and if it takes me 50 years to complete, then that's okay too. I'll be 98 years old, and happy and content.
I hope I can teach someone else to do this as well.

UP-date

So, today I was able to get down onto my yoga mat! It felt so nice.  I spent time just sitting, breathing, and stretching.  I also had some time to think about how I am doing with showing myself grace.  I must admit, not very well. I have had quite a few times in the last few weeks since returning to work and the musical where I have beat myself up about not being able to "perform" the way I think I should or I think others think I should. I'm tired, I'm a bit short tempered, and I don't like it.
While sitting and listening to a meditation on insight timer, the one I picked(totally at random), it really resonated with me.  It has been what I have been struggling.....THE PAST!
I need to embrace my new normal, my new life and go forward leaving the past behind.

It's like when the kids both left for college and Mark and I were empty-nesters. We missed the kids, but we knew we had raised them to spread their wings and fly from the nest.  We settled in nicely totally being able to re-connect.  Then our chaos started with my cancer. 

I feel like I am standing at another crossroads of sorts. I don't need to "re-invent" myself, I need to sit, listen, and discover who I am now.  I'm still Kim, but now I'm not the Kim who has teenage kids, I'm not the Kim that hasn't faced cancer, chemo and radiation.  I'm not the Kim who has had a husband who suffered a stroke. I'm not the Kim who is the sole income earner of the house currently.  A lot of this makes me angry, but I'm moving forward.  There are exciting things that are going to happen in my life. A lot of good things that are going to happen.  I need to just be in the moment so I don't miss them.

So....how am I doing showing myself grace?  I'm getting there, getting there one day at a time.

Getting back to normal

I'm heading back to work on Tuesday! I'm feeling ready physically and mentally. I know I have to take it easy, and I will. I'm getting bored at home and I think I'm beginning to cramp Mark's style!

I feel like this time at home recovering from my hysterectomy has provided a few things for me.
First, this has been the hardest surgical recovery I've ever had, but last night Mark said to me that he thought I have handled it the best out of any surgery I've recovered from.  That made me so happy at the progress I've made within myself.  So much of recoveries are not only physical, but mental as well.  I've come a long way dealing with the emotional and mental aspect. 
I haven't been able to begin practicing yoga fully, but the things I've learned from the short time I have been practicing is amazing.  I truly believe this has helped in my recovery physically and mentally. 

I learned to breathe.  I learned how to stop..... concentrate on a slow, low deep breath...... I used this as I was feeling anxious about going into the surgical suite all the way to this morning(over 5 weeks later) just trying to start my day. 
Breathing and concentrating on your breath is so helpful.  I literally have been taken off of one of my two blood pressure medications since starting my yoga lessons!  Many of the nurses I have encountered through this are amazed at my blood pressure given my history. Some have asked, and I tell them Yoga!

Physically, a hysterectomy(especially going through the abdominal wall) is tough.  I have laproscopic incisions as well as a 6 inch incision on my abdomen.  Now, I never had a 6 pack before, so having your abdominal muscles cut and having to heal is tough.  I never really realized how important those muscles are on a daily basis....but I feel them now!! Yoga has helped me from the beginning of recovery just being able to maneuver without extreme pain. If it hurt, I stopped and breathed my way through it!  After I saw my surgeon, she said I could begin a light practice when I felt ready.  I have to strengthen my pelvic floor as a must after this surgery, and yoga is a great way to do that. I've been doing some light exercises laying flat in bed in the morning and evening.  Soon, I will go back to yoga lessons.  The beauty is... I can start with seated yoga poses, and work my way up to other poses from the floor and standing.

I love my yoga coach Danielle! I take from her privately once a week. She tailors my practice with her to how I am feeling and she is so intuitive and perceptive by just watching me to know what to do next. 

If this is something you'd like to explore please contact me and I'll tell you more about her and her studio!

Anyway..... I'm here, I'm whole, I'm feeling better physically and mentally than I have in a long time, and I am ready to get back to my routine.  I miss my colleagues, my students, and my job(which by the way is the best profession in the world!)

My cup is full of Joy, and even if someone knocks into it and it spills....JOY will spill out because I have a lot to be thankful for!

Grace

As an educator, I know, and fully believe that we need to meet students where they are.  Yes, this is difficult in the age of mandated testing etc., but I can  control what happens in my classroom. So, if this is something I fundamentally believe in, meeting people where they are, and walking along beside to help them become the best person they can, I have one question.  Can I meet myself where I am? Can I really? Can I allow myself some grace?

We do so much for others, but do we exhibit the same to ourselves? I don't think I do as well as I should. If I'm focused on others, I don't have to be focused on myself. Looking at yourself is scary, the flaws, the "wish I would haves", the "wish I could haves"...... but we should be able to show ourselves a little grace and like ourselves.

A very interesting conversation with a wise person whom I admire deeply said to me yesterday... "Stop looking in the past, I don't, it would really depress me to look at the mistakes I made. Just know that those things in your past made you who you are today, learn from them and go forward.  The things that have happened to you in the past 4 years are just a small part of your journey, they made you who you are. Learn and move forward." 

How do we extend grace to ourselves? I'm not quite sure on this one, as I'm just learning it myself.  I think prayer and meditation is a good start.  Being able to feel all feelings good and bad.  Remembering the good, acknowledging the bad and moving it on its way is a start.  A start.... a daunting start maybe. I have some anger from the past 4 years and all that has happened in my life.  I need to acknowledge it and send it on its way.  I can't imagine what life will be like after I can accomplish that, but I know I won't be dwelling on the "why did this happen, and can this year be without crazy trauma?

So.... I embark on a journey, a journey of showing myself grace.  I do a fairly good job of it with others, so why not try it on myself. 

Join me.... show yourself some grace today.  I'll be posting on my journey and things I'm doing to help me.

Fear

Fear can paralyze a person, but if we face the fear, push it away, and replace it with something else like Joy, we can deal with it. That is where I am right now. Pushing the fear aside and finding my joy again. The joy deep within me where the fear was.
See, fear isn't a surface feeling. We can have a sudden surface fear like when we are in a haunted house and get scared by something. It's temporary. Deep fear is something that is always there looming in the background where it can pull and tug at you and in many cases other people have no idea that fear is there.
I'm exposing my fear, acknowledging it, sending it on its way, and replacing it with Joy.
See, my fear is this cancer and all it has brought to me will never be eradicated. It seems like I had a lot of complications at every turn. I know I am so much luckier than many, but this is a deep seeded fear. It caused a panic attack which was scary.
Yesterday I posted something that came to me through facebook. It was about spilling what was in your cup. You eventually will be in a situation where your full cup will spill.  What is in your cup? Fear, anger, and resentment....or Joy, happiness, and love.
You can put into your cup what you want. It's YOUR cup! You don't always have control of what bumps into your cup and causes it to spill, but you do have control of what spills out.

So I am not filling my cup with fear....I'm going to fill it with Joy. Not an easy task but that is why we have God, friends, and family. They help us fill our cup.

What is your cup filled with?